A Judge's Poignant Description of Parental Alienation

During a child custody proceeding, a judge admonished a father for attempting to turn his children against their mother. Perhaps better than any parenting guide could, the judge succinctly and poignantly described what parental alienation is and its devastating effects. She warned the alienating parent that she would take drastic steps if he did not take her words seriously and change his conduct. (Although the text of the judge’s statement to the father is a matter of public record and is available in a circuit court transcript, no identifying information is provided here as to the name of the judge, the jurisdiction, or the identity of the children and their parents.)

“There is no animal on this earth more capable of manipulation than a teenage human being. And it’s nothing bad. It’s a defense mechanism that nature gives them to help them survive as they go from being children to being adults … These teenagers are warring within themselves. If there’s ever a time when they lived with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, this is it. And the one entity that they have to help them get through this war is ordinarily a united front called their parents.

“There is a thing called parental alienation which occurs when too much sharing happens. Your children want to be loved by both of you. They desperately need to be loved by both of you. And the reason for that is because your children are half you and half their mother. And if you continue to let them hate their mother, you are allowing them to hate part of themselves. They must love all of themselves, and that means they really have to love both parents. And they have to know that if they come home and complain about something that mom has done or said, that you are going to [say], `Well, you know your mom loves you.'

“What I’ve [seen] here is that you have shared with your [children] things that never should have been shared. And the only basis that I can find [for that] is to get your [children] on your side. Every time you share this filth with your children, you’re negatively impacting your relationship with them.

“One of the hallmarks of parental alienation is sharing the goings-on in a custody case with the children. That’s like number one. And then telling the children you’re the one and only parent that cares about them, you’re the only parent that loves them, you’re the only parent that listens to them, you’re the only parent that trusts them.

“Mom is allowing them to be 100 percent of themselves, whereas you are discouraging 50 percent of themselves every time you share something about this case with them … I don’t know how you can take back having shared all of this information with your children, but some way that has to be done. Your children need to be removed from this process and be allowed to just be kids.

“You are causing such a huge problem because your children are being encouraged to hate their mom and to believe that their mom doesn’t love them and their mom doesn’t trust them, their mom doesn’t respect them, and that their mother doesn’t have their best interest at heart. That’s not being a united front …What in the world are you thinking?

“I guarantee if you want to see your children fail, keep doing what you’re doing. If you want to see them succeed, set aside the anger and become the united front no matter how angry you may be.

“I’ll tell you this right now. I have cut off custody for a person who’s been engaging in parental alienation, with the primary form of parental alienation being involving the children in the custody and visitation dispute. I’ve cut it off completely; one [case] was with the mom and one was with the dad—until they went to counseling and I was assured that they understood how very harmful it is to children to do that.

“What I see [in you] is a man who loves his children to the nth degree and would do anything for his children, [but] who is very likely to lose his children altogether if he continues with this behavior. I don’t want to see this happen to you [or] to these children. I think it would be an incredible loss to your kids.”