Is There a Polite Way to Ask for Sex?

Sexuality, which often involves directly asking for what you want, is contrary to politeness. Nevertheless, sexual etiquette has a major role in sexual interactions. Can we explain this perplexity?

Making Your Sexual Desire Clear

Politeness is a sign of dignity, not subservience.” —Theodore Roosevelt

“Politeness is half good manners and half good lying.” —Mary Wilson Little

Expressing our emotions sincerely is valuable. This is obvious when saying, “I love you.” Why then, does declaring, “I want to have sex with you”? seem different?

The answer is multifaceted. Expressing comprehensive positive emotions toward others, such as love, caring, and compassion, are highly appreciated, but not in all circumstances. Thus, declaring your romantic love to an unavailable or unwilling person may hurt them and even be criminal (if, say, they're a minor). Expressing our sexual desire is even more problematic as it may indicate an absence of love, and unlike the feeling of love, requires consent and reciprocity (Ben-Ze’ev, 2023; and here).

Is there a polite way to express sexual desire? Here are several responses (from Reddit) to the question “Is there a polite or correct way to ask a woman for sex?”

• “It has nothing to do with what words you use and everything to do with the context. Most women don't want to have sex with you just because they find you attractive.” —A woman
• “I have female friends who tell me that they often hide their sexual interest in a guy. So, it can be hard to guess. Just use your gut feelings.” —A man
• “Attraction is key! If it's there, everything else is so easy.” —A woman
• “Is it a first date? There’s no way to just ask for it. You might suggest going back to your place if things are going super great, but most of the time, it will be a deal breaker.” —A woman
• “Are you discussing the weather and want to drop the ‘we should fuck’ right in the middle? It won’t work because you are disrespectful.” —A woman
• “Once, I started talking with a woman in a bar and then I just bluntly asked her if she wanted to leave and ‘go home together.’ I was surprised when she agreed. Sometimes being blunt works.” —A man

The Puzzle of Combining Politeness and Desire

“I want minimum information given with maximum politeness.” —Jackie Kennedy

"Asking someone for casual sex is risky, and politeness is not enough to overcome the risk. The best thing is finding out whether the other person is on the same page by using subtle playful suggestions, while staying attuned." —Renee Wade

The role of politeness in sexual interactions is perplexing. On one hand, sex often involves directness, sincerity, rudeness, and bluntness, all of which are absent in politeness, whose aim is to avoid hurting other people.

Madame de Stael characterized politeness as “the art of choosing among your thoughts.” In contrast, sexual excitement does not involve careful wording and behavior, but rather freely speaking and employing direct, sincere, rude, and blunt behavior. On the other hand, unlike the declaration, “I love you,” which may embarrass the partner, but usually not significantly hurt them, declaring “I want to have sex with you,” may seem cheap and lacking romance.

Moreover, having sex requires consent and reciprocity and its absence is damaging. Hence, expressing sexual desire is often expressed indirectly and politely, by saying, for example, “Should we go home together?”

More importantly, sexuality does not have to bluntly break rules of etiquette but may be extra tender and polite. In the words of Elvis Presley, “Love me tender, love me sweet.” The added tenderness and sweetness that characterize profound sexual interactions afford different seemingly impolite sexual interactions, not seen to cause disrespect and humiliation. The ability to simultaneously hold two opposing perspectives is essential in establishing both romantic profundity and sexual intensity.

The normative difference between initiating romantic relationships and initiating casual sex is expressed in gender differences. Thus, researchers Katie Adams and Omri Gillath argue that whereas men and women are equally likely to accept offers to go on a date, men are much more likely to accept a sexual offer from a woman than the opposite.

The setting is equally important. Men are less likely to want to miss out on a possible romantic or sexual opportunity, regardless of where it occurs, but if women are the initiator, they may indicate that the given setting has been deemed appropriate (by them) for this encounter (Adams & Gillath, 2024, and here). The normative differences between expressing love and sexual desire relate to the fact that those who fall in love “at first sight” are perceived favorably. Conversely, those who quickly accept a sexual offer are considered negatively, especially women.

Etiquette in Sexual Relationships

“Last night I had sex with my husband, but he did not actually touch me—just penetrated me. I was so sad, I could cry.” —A married woman

While there are various harmless reactions to the statement “I love you,” I'd argue that all reactions to “I want to have sex with you” can be boiled down to a flat refusal or acceptance. Elizabeth Dalton argues that people must balance multiple, often conflicting, needs in the act of resisting sexual advances since they “may want to avoid damaging their relationship with the initiator, as well as protect their own physical safety if the refusal is rejected” (Dalton, 2022). A polite response may avoid some of these complexities. In ongoing relationships, being direct and blunt may be exciting, but in the absence of profound love, this can be deeply insulting, as the above citation of the married woman indicates.

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Here are a few suggested rules of sexual etiquette. Don't bite without asking first; don’t make negative comments about your partner’s sexual performance or an unusual sexual request (Seth Meyers). Take your partner’s hygienic preferences into consideration; have safe sex; cell phones should be a no-no during sex (Elna Rudolph). Other examples of sexual etiquette rules couples might agree on are not faking orgasms and making some noise—after all, this is not the library.

Politeness, based on accepted rules of behavior, helps establish romantic profundity in ongoing relationships (Ben-Ze’ev & Teitelbaum, 2021; and here). Once romantic profundity is established, the main concern is fading romantic intensity.

A major manner of coping with this problem is increasing sexual novelty (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019, Ch. 3). Sexual novelty often goes against politeness and sexual etiquette. Thus, the polite, and even legal, requirement to have sex in private is often violated while having outdoor sex (here, Rosa et al., 2019; and here).

An opposite example is when, in the heat of passion, partners undress each other, after which one of them carefully folds their clothes and puts them neatly on a nearby chair. This may be a turnoff. Sex is exciting precisely because it goes beyond the accepted forms of behavior, thereby fulfilling fantasies.

In conclusion, while there isn’t a universally accepted polite way to ask for casual sex, respect for the other’s autonomy is fundamental in navigating sexual interactions. Combining the blunt (and impolite) and the tender (and extra polite) sexual behavior is a winning recipe for sexual satisfaction. This is especially true when love is profound and sexual bluntness is not perceived as a lack of respect and sensitivity.

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