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As you lean down to kiss your 3-year-old goodbye at preschool, she throws her arms around your neck and screeches, “Don't leave me!” These three words pierce the hearts of parents, raising guilt, conflict and fear. Am I harming my child by leaving him? Will she be terrified and hate me forever? Am I being selfish?
Memories of being left as a child and the accompanying feelings of fear and anger resurface for the parent making the leavetaking more grueling- they don’t want their child to hurt the way they did. Parents' feelings are even more intense if their parents often left them for work, travel or because of a divorce and the parent felt abandoned.
Why do kids have such a hard time separating from their parents? It is actually a normal part of development. From the beginning, an infant feels at one with his parents- the infant cries, the parent feeds him and soothes him. The infant learns that he can rely on the parent to protect him and fill his needs. Is it any wonder that the baby feels the safest with his parents and will beseech them not to leave.
Research on attachment theory has shown that a child who has a secure attachment to a parent can manage a separation well. She has internalized your loving care so that when she's not with you she has a safe, content feeling inside and can manage on her own.
It's important for parents to understand that helping your child to achieve the ability to separate helps him to grow. He will learn that he can be apart from you and manage, that there are other adults he can rely upon who can take care of his needs, and most importantly you will leave him but you will always return. These experiences help him with his future ability to function independently.
To help your child achieve separation, it takes working with both your child's feelings and your own.
Develop self-awareness. If you often felt abandoned as a child, you may find yourself holding on tight to your child and actually make it harder for your child to separate. So it’s crucial to become self-aware and observe your behavior. For instance, if you’re lingering too long at school after your child is settled in happily in her class, you might be sending a message to your child that she can’t manage without you.
Do your homework. Make sure you feel comfortable that you are leaving your child in a safe environment. It will help you to feel secure and send a positive message to your child that he will be safe.
Prepare your child for the separation. Many parents are afraid to upset their children by telling them they are leaving. But even a toddler needs to know that you are going out for an evening. Otherwise he will suddenly look up, see you're gone and will always be afraid you will suddenly disappear.
Respond with empathy and optimism. If she cries, which may be a momentary feeling about the separation, acknowledge her feelings, tell her, “It’s hard to say goodbye, but you'll be fine.” Describe all the fun things ahead. For example,”You’ll be putting your new puzzle together with your babysitter and making cupcakes while we're away.
Never poke fun at your child for his sadness. Your ten-year-old child might cry when you’re waiting in a parking lot to put him on a bus to camp, or your teen may be tearful when you're dropping her off at her college dorm. Children need to know that these feelings are normal but everything will be fine.
Explain the reason for the separation. Children do best when they understand that a parent is leaving for a good reason. For instance, “I’m leaving for work because I have to make money for food and toys for our family” or “It’s important for Mommies and Daddies to spend time alone together to keep their relationship strong.” Otherwise, kids might conclude you’d rather be away than with them.
Reassure your child of a specific time when you’ll return. Little kids have a limited concept of time. So be concrete about your arrangements. You might tell your seven year old, “I will pick you up right after your swim class.”
Get help. Sometimes a babysitter or a teacher may be help your child by cradling them to ease the separation blues when you are leaving.
If your child becomes anxious about an upcoming sleepover, point out other experiences in which your child has done well in a separation. For example, “Remember when you went on a sleepover to Grandma’s. You had such a good time. You’ll have fun with your cousins too."
The more positive experiences a child has in separating early in life, the more independent he will become as he grows.
