How to Be Kind

Source: kweez mcG/Flickr, CC 2.0

Everyone tells us to be kind, but a few specifics may help you feel better about the kindnesses you bestow.

Weigh kindness vs. justice

Sometimes, we may want to be merciful even to the minimally deserving, but make that decision consciously. Should your kindness rule of thumb be, “Reserved for the deserved," or even Jesus’ invocation, “Cast not pearls before swine?”

Think small

Small random acts of kindness can be wiser gifts than are big ones. The latter not only take more of your time or money but can make the recipient feel unduly indebted to you. Perhaps worse, it can trigger the bite-the-hand-that-feeds-you phenomenon. Somehow, giving them something makes them feel entitled to more and resent you for not giving it. Hence the maxim, “Give a person an inch, s/he’ll want a mile.”

Some examples of small acts of kindness: Really listen. Ask a question. Send a card or even a letter, even a handwritten one mailed with a carefully selected postage stamp. For that purpose, I keep a stash of stamps with, for example, love stamps, writer stamps, and musician stamps. (Interestingly, despite an American Psychological Association campaign, not one U.S. postage stamp honors a psychologist—unless you want to call Homer Simpson a psychologist.)

Think easy

For some people, giving time is easier than giving money or vice-versa. For other people, a physical gift is easiest: for example, raking the neighbor’s leaves, taking their trash bins out to and back from the curb. For me, baking and playing the piano are easy. I invite neighbors, a few at a time, to my home for a mini piano concert, complete with champagne and something I bake. Here is an example.

Give when not expected to give

For example, you might send an unexpected note or small gift to a friend, parent, lover, teacher, counselor, client, or customer. When a friend mentions an unexpected but hard-to-afford little expense, might you want to pay for it?

We tend to think of giving to the poor but, as a coach to the high and mighty, let me assure you that it indeed can be lonely at the top, and as Shakespeare wrote, “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.” One CFO client recently, with tears in his eyes, told me of the graveyard-shift janitor who wrote a thank-you note to him who, one night, when he was finally leaving the office at 11 p.m., stopped to start a respectful conversation with the janitor, asking about her life.

Don’t expect reciprocity

Sure, by bestowing kindnesses to people that you know are kind, you’ll more likely get at least a heartfelt thank-you. But some people are too busy or self-absorbed to even think about reciprocity. Be kind not in expectation of a return on investment but because it’s cosmically correct.

I read this aloud on YouTube.