3 Ways to Cope with Cringe Attacks

Oh, the cringe attack. It happens when we least expect it: in the shower, folding laundry, or doing something equally mindless. Out of the blue, our brains decide to sucker-punch us with a flashbulb memory of an embarrassing moment.

For me, it's a physical cringe. Sometimes I even have to close my eyes. My therapy clients say the same mortifying *zap* makes them swear under their breath, shake their heads, or yell at the universe. “What was I thinking?”

Cringe attacks are super common, especially if we tend to be hard on ourselves; we can be our own worst critics. Our brain doesn’t let us forget when we’ve transgressed the Inner Rulebook. ”I should always be dignified.” “I should always do the right thing.” “I should always have good judgment.” “I should never make a fool out of myself.” The list goes on.

How do we cope with them? Here are three very different approaches: Front, back, and side doors:

1. Give yourself a break. Cringe attacks usually bring us back to a memory of getting caught doing something we consider wrong, dumb, or ridiculous. But we can’t go through life expecting zero mistakes, have zero lapses in judgment, or make zero stupid decisions. Forgive yourself. Have compassion for your 15-year-old self who woefully failed to impress your crush. Take good care of the version of you who was insensitive when your friend disclosed an illness. Forgive yourself for calling the person in charge of your job interview the wrong name. In short, let go of the expectation that you never do anything cringy, embarrassing, or dumb. Permit yourself a full range of human experiences, including dumb mistakes.
2. Remember the whole memory. Cringe attacks play a short movie clip: a split second of sneezing snot on your boss. The look on your friend’s face after you told that joke you didn't realize was offensive. The few seconds it took your crush to say oh, um, sorry, she already had a date to prom. Expand the movie to include before and after to give your cringeworthy moment some context. Think about the other times you interacted with that teacher, hung out with that friend, or delighted in pining after your crush rather than zeroing in on the lowest of the lowlights.
3. Tell someone who will support you. Cringe attacks hurt because they feel mortifying, humiliating, or otherwise shameful. Shame tells us never to speak of these experiences again. To counter this, do the opposite of what the shame tells you and share it with someone non-judgmental. Telling your embarrassing story to someone who will support you, respond with "me too" relatability, or otherwise pop the shame bubble will take away its power.

All in all, re-think cringe attacks as something that happens to everyone—you, me, and every person reading this—and therefore connects you to a universal and oh-so-human experience.