How to Host House Guests

Source: Felix Wong, Stockton Reunions, CC 4.0

Many people are hosting family or friends at this time of year. Here are some thoughts on how to make the visit more fun than fraught.

First, a bit about pragmatics. At this point, it’s too late to try to convince unvaccinated guests to get vaccinated but it is reasonable to ask them to wear a surgical or N95 mask indoors. Without your lecturing them, that might even motivate them to get vaccinated later. No need to be shy about telling your guests that you’re going to be COVID-safer: windows open even if it means having to crank up the heat, social distancing, and perhaps requiring a good mask indoors except when eating or drinking.

Also, because of COVID and simply because it’s tough to host a few days of 24/7 guests in your home, you may wish to discuss whether they should sleep at your place or at a hotel. That can be couched to reduce the potential for offense, for example, “If it weren’t for damn COVID and its lovely Omicron variant, we’d love to have you stay with us but we might all feel safer and happier if, this time, you stayed at a hotel. There are a couple of lovely but not expensive places I could recommend.”

Whether or not your guests have already arrived, consider each person’s likely feelings about the visit. That can help you decide what to talk about and do. For example, you might ask yourself or even write down each guest's prime motive(s) for visiting: love, obligation, fun, food, specific activities, or deep conversation, whether about family, politics, COVID, whatever. Also, note any hot-button issues and whether you plan to discuss or skirt them.

There may be underlying tensions. For example, is there a family wound that's festering quietly or not so quietly? Are there polarized views on politics, money, parenting, even the meaning of life? Those are more likely if multiple generations are visiting. For example, Boomers, as a group, have different values from Gen Z. Weigh the pros and cons of discussing touchy issues. Sometimes, that can be enlightening, even bonding. But in other cases, for example, a long-unhealed family wound, this may not be the best time to address them. You don’t want the memory of the visit to be a sad one. Fortunately, the holidays provide ample opportunity to talk about other topics, for example, end-of-year musings, thoughts on how to make 2022 a good year despite COVID, and the activities you'll be doing during their visit.

Of course, not all planned activities need to be psychologically oriented, but a few might be. Those have the bonus of being doable indoors in case winter weather precludes outdoor activities. Here are examples: Ask people to:

• Tell their life story. Perhaps even set a timer for five or ten minutes, so people can be comfortable knowing how long they have the floor.
• State their #1 New Year's resolution or even whether they believe in them. For example, an argument for making resolutions even if they get broken is that it’s worth setting goals and the calendar's turning feels like a good time to do it. An argument against New Year’s resolutions is that they’re more likely to be broken because they’re made based on the calendar rather than when a person is motivated.
• Say what they’re grateful for, thinking about these days, or looking forward to.
• Give a 5- or 10-minute talk on whatever they care deeply about.

My wife and I are hosting our daughter, son-in-law, and their two kids for a few days. It may be instructive to know what we're doing. They’ll be sleeping at a hotel but spending a fair amount of time with us. All are vaccinated and the adults are boosted. We won’t wear a mask indoors but will keep the windows open with the heat turned up to compensate. We will ask and remind people to keep at least three and, where reasonable, six feet apart. My wife and I have discussed which issues are and aren’t worth discussing. We’ve planned activities, the most unusual of which is that I bought 40 plastic butterflies and we’ll have activities such as a scavenger hunt, talent show, storytelling, and the aforementioned questions, with butterflies to the winners. At the end of the visit, the person with the most butterflies gets a gift of their choice that costs up to $100.

When it's time for them to leave, parting can be such sweet sorrow. You may maximize the sweetness by, as you say goodbye, revisiting the sweet, not necessarily any sorrowful.

Hosting friends or family at the holidays holds potential for in-the-moment pleasures and fond memories. I hope these ideas help you actualize that potential.

I read this aloud on YouTube.