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Key points
- We tend to think of impulses as needing more control, but that's not necessarily so.
- People can vary in their spontaneity across a surprisingly large number of areas, from spending to dishonesty, investing to substance use.
- Instead of reflexively being spontaneous or not, look out for the moment of truth when you're deciding.
Some people wish they were more spontaneous and risk-taking. Other people wish they were more cautious and had better impulse control.
Here are two composite vignettes drawn from my clients, friends, and my own life. The first vignette is about a person who wants to be more spontaneous. The other is about someone who wants to be more cautious. Do you see yourself in either of them, if only in part?
A person who’d like to be more spontaneous
I suspect that I’m naturally risk averse. I recall being maybe 4 years old, and when my mother took my sister and me shopping, my sister would wander, curious about everything. I felt more comfortable staying right next to Mom. Then, when I was 6 or 7, I reached out to a dog, and it bit me. That put me more firmly on the road toward being overly cautious and planful so I don’t get “bitten.”
As an adult, I usually regretted the few times I was impulsive: for example, falling for a "bad boy" and taking a job impulsively because I thought I could learn what I needed on the job—wrong. And now that I’m a single parent of two kids, I can’t afford to be impulsive about much. For example, even though experts say that over the long run, it's wise to have most of your money in stocks, I keep my money in the bank. But honestly, I wish I were less cautious, more adventurous, spontaneous.
A person who’d like to be more cautious, organized, or planful
I’ve always been impulsive. One of my earliest memories was riding my tricycle over wet cement to see what would happen. No surprise, my parents yelled at me. When I got older, my impulsivity got me in trouble big-time. One time, I didn’t wear a condom and got a woman pregnant; she insisted on having the baby, and now I’m on the hook for 18 years.
Part of me likes getting adrenalized. That’s why I play cards, even though I usually lose. My impulsiveness is also affecting my health. Apart from those other stresses, I can’t restrain myself from overeating and getting wasted. I need more discipline, more impulse control.
How spontaneous are you?
The following questions inventory your level of spontaneity in various contexts, and after each question, I offer suggestions for what to do differently.
True or false:
When I buy things on impulse, I rarely regret it.
If you’d like to buy more things on impulse, have you been too fearful of spending? Some of my clients grew up poor, and even though in reality, they’re very unlikely to end up poor, they've lived very parsimoniously, reluctant to buy even small things. Do you need to liberate yourself from undue fear of poverty?
If you’d like to spend less, be aware of the moment of truth: When tempted to buy something discretionary, make yourself take a breath and ask yourself, "Is it wise?" Should you shop further for a better-quality or better-priced item? Even if you feel you deserve to buy it, could you derive more and perhaps more enduring pleasure in some other way?
I rarely lose my temper, and when I have, in retrospect, I’m glad I did.
If you’d like to express anger more, does your undue inhibition derive from other people's poor reactions to your previous expressions of anger? Or are you reticent because expressing anger was deemed unacceptable in your family? Now, when feeling angry but inhibited from expressing it, try to put on your statesman hat and decide whether and how to express it.
Here's a tip: Usually, expressing anger will more likely yield the desired result if you can say it in a face-saving way. For example, let’s say a friend talks incessantly about him or herself, and when you try to talk about yourself, s/he quickly redirects back. Usually, it's best to say something like, "It seems we spend most of our time talking about you. Am I wrong?” Even if the person denies it, you will have planted a seed. Of course, when you're angry, it’s not so easy to be tactful, so you might think of that goal as just aspirational.
If you’d like to express anger less often when facing a situation likely to trigger you, rehearse how your best self would respond. Chances are, it’s not in anger, let alone in fury. But if it’s too late for that, and you feel your temperature rising fast, see if you can muster the restraint to breathe and say, “Excuse me a minute,” walk away, and then decide if you’re best served by expressing anger, even-handed concern, or saying nothing.
I don’t steal (for example, shoplift).
If you’d like to stop stealing, ask yourself why you do it: The adrenaline rush? The sense you can get away with it? The Robin Hood view that it’s OK to steal from a company or rich person? If so, might the impulse be quelled if you picture how embarrassed you’d be if you got caught, that you might be arrested, or simply that you’ll feel like a bad person?
Note: Stealing isn't limited to taking products. If a person lies or withholds information for their own selfish benefit, that, too, is often stealing. The obvious example is a salesperson who hides the product’s important flaws. But it also occurs in relationships: for example, when spending a significant amount of joint money without disclosing that to the partner.
When I use a mind-altering substance, such as alcohol or marijuana, the next day, I’m almost always glad I did.
If you’d like to increase your use of mind-altering substances, do you need to remind yourself that you don’t have an addictive personality, you’re not distasteful when under the influence, and, broadly, that your past experiences with that substance have, for you, been a net positive?
If you’d like to decrease your use of mind-altering substances, do you need to consider how using has hurt you, personally or professionally? Have you been in denial of its effects on you?
The takeaway
Do your answers to these questions or the preceding vignettes reassure you that you are where you want to be on the continuum from spontaneous to planful? If not, in light of the above, is there at least one change of behavior or mindset you’d like to try?
As in developing any new habit, the key is being vigilant to the moment of truth: that moment when you’re deciding what to do. Staying vigilant may be easier if you can think of a particular time, place, person, or emotional state that makes you more impulsive or less so than you’d like to be. For some people, it’s when they're bored at work, with a particular person, or when happy, sad, or angry at themselves, others, or the world. How about you?
Each time you’re thinking of doing something spontaneous, if you can take a breath and consciously decide, case-by-case, what the Wise One within you wants to do, you’ll have taken a potent step toward living the life you want to live.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
For guidance on how to implement your desired new habit, check out my post, "Motivation: What Works in the Real World."
