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You’re spending time, probably money, and emotional energy on counseling, whether psychotherapy, career counseling, or personal coaching. Yes, choosing a well-suited counselor matters. But making the most of your counselor can be at least as important. These tips should help.
For conciseness sake, I’ll use the term “counseling” to include the full range of talk with a professional aimed at improving some aspect of your life.
Write your counselor a letter. If your counselor doesn’t have you complete a thorough new-client questionnaire in advance of your first session, I recommend you write him or her a letter describing who you are, as well as your strengths, weaknesses, what you’re hoping to accomplish, how directive you’d like the counselor to be, and any other tips on working successfully with you. That will be valuable both to you and to the counselor. Just the act of writing it will usually teach you something about yourself and, because the thoughts are your own, they’re likely to be on-target as well as empowering of yourself.
Ask if you can record sessions on your phone. Some of my clients say that listening to the session is more valuable than the session itself.
- When you're listening, you get a fresh crack at the counselor's questions without pressure to say or behave in a way that will please the counselor.
- You can replay part or all the session as many times as you like.
- Listening to yourself affords opportunity for self-assessment
- Hearing it a second time helps the session's lessons to penetrate.
Give feedback early and often. When the counselor says or does something or uses an approach that’s particularly helpful, or not, say so on the spot. Start doing that in the first session. For example, let’s say the counselor starts with “Tell me about yourself” or “What brings you here today?” and you have a tendency to be long-winded and discursive but don’t know when to stop. The counselor interrupts you after two minutes, distills what you said, and asks a focusing question. If you found that helpful, say so: “I’m glad you interrupted and refocused me. I could have gone off on a tangent forever.” Conversely, let’s say the counselor lets you keep going. It’s now 10 or 15 minutes later and you find yourself wishing the counselor had interrupted and focused you. Say so.
Be honest, quite honest. One of counseling’s benefits is that you’re free to say what you’re thinking and feeling with less self-censoring than in other settings. Of course, counselors are human and, in private, like all of us, are judgmental, but you should take the risk of candor early. If you don’t like the response, politely say so and listen to what the counselor says. Perhaps s/he was wise in being critical of you. But if not, and especially if it continues and you feel too untrusting of the counselor, it may be time to end the relationship.
Ask for and do homework. Many counselors give homework but if yours doesn't, you’ll derive more benefit from each session if the two of you agree on an appropriate assignment. It’s usually most beneficial for that homework to including listening to the recording in the first day or two after the session so there’s plenty of time for you to incorporate its benefits before the next session. In addition, it’s usually wise for the homework to add something. Perhaps it’s to try out a behavior such as being more positive or critical at work. Or something internal, for example, distracting yourself to a positive thought as soon as an unfixable worry enters consciousness. Or read an article or book chapter or watch a video on the topic you’re working on. Or write in your journal about the topic.
Send a proposed agenda. A day in advance of the next session, you might want to send the counselor your tentative agenda or discussion items. This can help you, in advance, get clear on your tentative objectives and help the counselor in planning for the session.
End the counseling when it feels right to you. Most counselors’ goal is get you “done” as quickly as is appropriate but, as human beings, some of them may, if only subconsciously, unreasonably slow sessions' pace or keep you coming when it would be wise to suggest less frequent sessions, a break, or permanently end the counseling. Those actions often aren't financially motivated. It could be because the counselor enjoys working with you or, probably more often, that s/he believes s/he is proceeding as rapidly as is wise. But if you don’t think so, at least raise the issue, listen thoughtfully to the response, and then decide. After all, s/he's only the counselor; you're your life's CEO.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
