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Relationships
Getting Closer to A Significant Other
Steps toward a better relationship.
Posted October 24, 2019 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
I always feel a little sheepish when writing about human behavior—it varies depending on the people and circumstances. This makes writing about human behavior even more difficult in that our behavioral predispositions change, sometimes from one day to the next.
I’m doubly sheepish about writing about relationships because all those variations are doubled when writing about two people, with the permutations mushroomed.
That said, to ignore relationships in a blog called How To Do Life would be remiss, hence I periodically wade into the muck, for example, with "The Relationship Report Card," "Refreshing a Stale Relationship," and "Relationships in 2019 and Beyond."
Today, I’d like to take a shot at helping you decide what I call your non-negotiables, nice-to-haves, and not-importants regarding your relationships—platonic or romantic. Then I’ll offer thoughts on addressing relationship problems.
Put two checkmarks next to your non-negotiables, one next to your nice-to-haves, and leave the others blank.
Trust. I'm defining that as a person you can pretty much trust, for example, to keep secrets secret, and crucially, who you can count on to act in your interest and certainly not against your interest.
No psychological or physical abuse. This is a subset of the previous item but is important enough to list separately.
Kindness. Is the person generally benevolent, not just toward you, but in general?
Intelligence. This is critical because thinking ability affects every utterance, every discussion, every decision. You probably don't want a relationship with someone whose reasoning ability is light-years ahead of yours, but it’s wise to give brownie points to a brain that's a notch above.
Compatible interests. This is often overrated. In some excellent friendships and romances, the parties have quite different interests—Their relationship is based on the conversations, perhaps on sex, and on small areas of overlapping interests. For example, my wife loves to travel and go dancing; I like neither. I like writing and gardening; she likes neither. But we both enjoy theatre, movies, and inviting people to dinner. So our joint activities reside there and we pursue our other interests without each other.
Compatible level of intimacy. Some people like to explore deeply personal and/or intellectual issues. Other people prefer a more superficial relationship, chatting about the latest "big" game, their upcoming trip to Costa Rica, that cool band, and their kids' "amazing" accomplishments.
Compatible time demands. Do the two of you want to spend a similar amount of time together?
Compatible amounts of complaining. If you tend to be a whiner and need a patient listener, it’s fair that you accept an equal amount of complaining from your friend or partner. But if you have little tolerance for pity parties, you better give this item one if not two checkmarks.
Punctuality. Some people are easygoing about punctuality. Others get quite annoyed when a person says s/he’ll be there at 7 and, it’s 7:05 and you're tapping your toe.
No substance abuse. Few things can devastate a relationship more than substance abuse. That’s doubly true if you to are prone to abusing a mind-altering substance.
Economic compatibility. Do you want your friend or partner to be economically self-sufficient or at least not hitting you up for money? Is s/he a spender and you're a saver or not materialistic?
Sexual compatibility. Sex is a romantic relationship’s bonding glue. Besides, it’s fun. Sex problems can arise from poor communication, which usually is fixable, but is more intractable if you crave sex daily and s/he prefers monthly.
Probing Problems
All relationships contain disagreements. Many break up. Should you discuss the problem, let it ride, cut back, or end the relationship. The right choice lies in your answer to two questions:
1. How likely will a conversation(s) sufficiently improve the situation?
2. What’s the opportunity cost: If you cut back or drop the relationship, what would (not could) you do with the time and energy?
Let’s assume you want to discuss the problem. Of course, the specifics vary with the people and problem, but here’s a sample dialogue that may embed a lesson or two.
Person 1: I think you know that I get pretty annoyed at a lack of punctuality.
Lesson: Rather than an accusatory "You’re always late!”, Person 1 made an "I" statement. That boosts the chances that Person 2 will respond open-mindedly.
Person 2: I try to be on time but I lose track of time or underestimate how long something will take.
Person 1: As you know, there is an infinite number of things that can make something take longer than the minimum. Do you build in a cushion?
Lesson: No long lecture, just one sentence: a not-obvious fact, followed by a question.
Person 2: Usually I do but I guess I really value trying to cram in as much as I can, so I don’t leave much cushion.
Lesson: Person 1's having raised the concern with a light hand facilitated Person 2 being reflective.
Person 1: I guess the question is whether you feel that’s worth making me wait. I must admit it kind of makes me feel unvalued.
Lesson: S/he framed the dilemma accurately but briefly, again as an “I” statement.
Person 2: But your insisting on promptness is devaluing my valuing of being relaxed about time. It's just not that important.
Person 1: So do we need to compromise: You try a little harder to be on time and I'll try to be more forgiving when you're not?
Person 2: I guess it's worth a try.
Lesson: The perfect is the enemy of the good. It would be unrealistic to expect Person 2 to promise to be prompt in the future. An agreement to mutually try a compromise is all that could reasonably be expected.
The takeaway
While some people prefer a largely solo life (See my article, The Recluse Option), most people prefer a life suffused with or at least peppered with relationships. I hope this article’s doables will help you make more of yours.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
This is part of a series on Doables: practical ideas for a better life.
