Should You Marry This Person? Break Up?

Today, there’s less rational reason to marry than in decades past. Even if you’re thinking of having kids, today, there’s little or no shame associated with being from a single parent. And if you’re one of the half of married couples who divorce, the law’s complicated system can make dissolution more devastating, if only financially.

Yet, even today, millions of couples contemplate marrying. Of course, in the end, it’s partly an emotional decision but this report card may help you bring additional rationality to it:

The same questions apply to deciding whether you should break up with your significant other.

Instructions: Give your partner a letter grade on each of these:

_____ 1. Sexual compatibility. Note the curve of your sexual relationships. After an initial period, sexual frequency and intensity usually declines at least modestly. The question is how much—Is the decline greater or lesser with this person? And more important, are both of your curves similar? That is, if you’re still about equally hot for each other after a year or two, that trend too is likely to continue over the years. But if you’re almost as hot for your partner as when first dating but your partner is growing apathetic, that’s a problem. Yes, improved communication and sex therapy may help but there are certainly no guarantees. Some couples complain that their sexual appetites are intractably different.

_____ 2. Non-sexual compatibility. How much do you enjoy each other out of bed: talking with each other, simply being in the same room together. Perhaps more important, what is the arc over time: Has your enjoying spending non-sexual time with your partner increased, stayed the same, or declined over time? The trend is likely to continue.

_____ 3. Kindness. Don’t count on changing your partner. Yes, it could happen but people do range in intrinsic tendency to be kind. And that may be as difficult to change as their intelligence or drive So think hard about how kind your partner is. Does s/he act on your behalf when it’s inexpedient? Is s/he truly happy for your successes rather than feeling jealous? Is s/he kind to others, animals as well as people?

_____ 4. Absence of relationship devastators. Some people don’t mind their partner having even serious problems but certainly, before committing to a lifetime of having to deal with one or more, does your partner have one or more of these issues, which often devastate a relationship: hot temper, addictions to substances, gambling, shopping, significant mental illness, poor prospects for remunerative employment either because of lack of ability or desire? Grade your partner on the severity of the problem(s) and on how well you believe you can deal with that issue(s) over many years.

____ 5. Does this person love you—celebrates your strengths, minimizes concern about your weaknesses, simply cares profoundly about you? Conversely, do you feel that way about your partner? Love can help people survive life’s inevitable rough patches.

Now what?

It’s one thing to fill out a report card, another to act on it. Do the answers move you toward asking your partner to marry you? To breaking up? You might want to discuss your grading with your partner and/or a trusted confidant. Perhaps you can develop a realistic plan for improving your relationship. In another article, I describe a process, The Relationship Summit, in which my wife and I--- together now for 42 years—significantly improved our relationship. Perhaps it will help you and your partner.