Ghosting: The Mental Health Effects

Let’s delve into a topic that has a modern name but has been around for generations—"ghosting.” Ghosting occurs when two people have been in regular communication and then one person abruptly stops and seemingly disappears—or becomes a "ghost"—as the other person tries to reach out and retain or re-establish contact. In my podcast, I explore behaviors and mindsets associated with the increase in stress, anxiety, worry, and irritation that so many are experiencing in today's society. The act (or non-act) of ghosting is a contributor to, as well as a by-product of, these stresses.

Has someone in your life cut off all communication with you, suddenly and without explanation, leaving you feeling sad, abandoned, and perplexed? If so, you’ve been “ghosted.” Ghosting is very common: Almost 3 out of 4 adults, and 4 out of 5 millennials, say they have been ghosted in a romantic relationship.

But why does it matter? Is ghosting really worse than someone calling or writing to say they are going to stop communication and, well, so long?

What Defines Ghosting

In today’s world, we often associate ghosting with dating, especially online dating. But ghosting can happen between family members, longtime friends, church acquaintances, and even work colleagues. Beyond dating, ghosting can impact familial and professional relationships, pressuring finances, the perceived security within the family, and social vitality.

Ghosting can be confusing. It’s not always clear when someone is ghosting you and when they’re not. But the never-ending question of “what is going on?” is vexing. Let’s take a quick sidestep and differentiate relationships that drift apart and ghosting.

Two people can drift apart because of life circumstances—a new job in a different city, graduation, new interests, and the business of life. Although you may feel saddened by the loss, it is understandable when friends simply go in different directions, pursuing careers, moving away, or having kids and raising a family.

But ghosting is something altogether different. Ghosting almost always involves a conscious decision to cut someone off. It often includes “benign neglect,” which means not caring about the other person’s well-being. At worst, it can be mean-spirited and vindictive.

The Impact of Ghosting

Ghosting sometimes results in a relationship just disappearing. But often the relationship sits there, on the sidelines, with the potential to be resurrected or eventually written off.

There are ways to address and recover from ghosting, and I will address them in a bit. But if a relationship is being considered for renewal, these four questions can help you know whether ghosting behavior has significantly impacted you and whether the relationship is recoverable.

1. Does the toxic behavior involve physical or psychological abuse? If the answer is yes, to any degree, you must protect yourself from potential future harm. You should consider ending the relationship altogether.
2. Is the other person willing to take responsibility for his or her actions? Taking responsibility is essential for building trust and maintaining respect. Failure to do so leaves you questioning whether the other person is willing to change in the future.
3. Is the damage so severe that your relationship will forever be hampered? Everyone will have a different answer to this question depending on their beliefs and circumstances. It is important to be able to overcome problems and not be held back in the future.
4. Can you ever truly get along with this person again? When your anger subsides and you work through your emotions, you can better evaluate if regained trust and fair treatment is in fact possible.

You must realize that even if someone has hurt you, that need not take away your personal happiness. You are in charge of your attitude and response. You have the ability to deal with and do your part to build bridges. This will help you experience inner peace and contentment, even if the toxic person cannot.

Source: Fizkes/Shutterstock

10 Ways to Deal With Rejection

1. Reject the word rejection. Rejection is heavy and negative. Choose more balanced wording, such as "chose to end the relationship."
2. Realize it is not about you. Being ghosted says more about the person ghosting than it does about you.
3. Keep up healthy habits. Choose to continue exercising, eating healthy, getting good sleep, and pursuing enjoyable activities with positive people.
4. Don’t “catastrophize.” Don’t let a single episode define your relationships.
5. Don’t allow past hurts to drag you down and expect doom and gloom. Tomorrow is a new day, and while too many people struggle with being forthright and considerate, you are certainly not alone. You are loved.
6. Refuse to feel inferior. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
7. You are not alone. Most everyone understands how you feel. Reach out to trusted and positive friends and family for support.
8. Practice self-compassion. Use positive self-talk, connect with God, and be gentle with yourself.
9. Feel it; don’t deny it. Pushing away your hurt only delays the healing process.
10. Tap into your sources of joy. Now is the time to do what makes you happy. When you’re happy, your energy is better, and good energy attracts good energy.

We all need to be mindful of the way our words and actions can impact another. If a relationship needs to end, if possible, find the strength to be compassionate but forthright with another. Live the Golden Rule.

You deserve to be treated with respect, honor, and dignity at all times by all people. Ghosting is a powerful and emotionally abusive behavior that involves the abandonment of relationships, leaving someone high and dry. It can severely impact self-esteem, create self-doubt, and foster deep mistrust in others. Be courageous and strong. And always know there is hope and healing from painful relationships.

Ghosting Essential Reads

Beyond Ghosting: How to Break Up Compassionately

Ghosting and Cloaking: When Is It OK?