The Adult Consequences of Growing Up with a Narcissistic Parent

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If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, there are specific personality characteristics that you might have developed. Unfortunately, these characteristics may not serve you in your adult life, causing issues within yourself and your relationships. Continue reading to discover what traces a narcissistic parent leaves behind.

Calm Makes You Uneasy

When you have moments of calm in your life, it causes you a sense of uneasiness or even dread. You wonder when something bad is going to happen—you're "waiting for the other shoe to drop." You may even start a fight with your partner so you can feel something other than calm. For example, when growing up with a narcissistic parent, there was calm before the storm. You became hypervigilant of this sense of calm because you knew what followed. Your narcissistic parent would find fault in something you said or did, and you would bear the brunt of her narcissistic rage. You learned that calm was a precursor to abuse. As an adult, it can be challenging to relax when chaos is normal. You may have been living with chronic stress for such a long time that you can't remember the last time you were able to truly relax.

You're a People Pleaser

Your narcissistic parent was never satisfied with you. If you got an A- on a school project, you might have been screamed at for hours because you didn't get an A+. Other times your narcissistic parent might have verbally abused you and called you "stupid," "worthless," or worse, all while maintaining a cool exterior. Your parent's behavior was unpredictable. In adulthood, you may feel that you are never "good enough." Because your parent taught you that you were always in the wrong, you may apologize for things that aren't your fault. You may go along with what others want because you don't want to upset them. You may accept a partner's erratic behavior as "normal," and you have difficulty stating your needs to your partner.

You Don't Trust Your Intuition

Your narcissistic parent may have gaslighted you and told you that you lied about the abuse you endured. She may have hidden your items and then told you that you were irresponsible. Her gaslighting behavior may have chipped away at your already fleeting sense of safety and security. You may have become more dependent on your narcissistic parent for her version of reality. This is exactly how the narcissist wants it—she wants your full attention on her.

Simultaneously she may tell you how you are a liar and can't be trusted. As an adult, you may not pay close attention to your intuition. It's the feeling you get when someone or something is not safe. Some have said that when they are in a potentially dangerous situation, the hairs on the back of their necks stand up. You may feel a sense of foreboding, but you assume that feeling is incorrect. Your narcissistic parent gaslighted you into thinking you can't trust yourself.

You Have Difficulty Making Decisions

Your narcissistic parent most likely put you in double-bind situations, the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario. For example, your narcissistic parent may have told you that you needed to lose weight but then offered you a big slice of cake. As an adult, you may find making decisions to be a tortuous process. You're sure you're going to make the wrong decision. Not making a decision, however, usually results in a decision being made for you.

What is the Solution?

You may have found that the characteristics described above are impacting how you feel about yourself. You may have had difficult relationships because of indecisiveness and difficulties with calm. Because a narcissistic parent's damage can extend far and wide, it is important to discuss your experiences with a licensed mental health professional (MHP). Sometimes the patterns we learned when growing up don't serve us well when we are adults. You may have developed some behaviors as a survival mechanism so you could make it through the day with your narcissistic parent. You may even still have contact with this parent. Talking things out with an MHP can help you better understand yourself and help you create a healthier future.

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