Forgiveness

Do We Really Need to Forgive?

What is the price we pay for forgiveness?

Posted March 31, 2021 | Reviewed by Pam Dailey

Key points

Forgiveness is a multistep process.
You don't have to forgive someone.
Anyone who tells you that you need to forgive is not respecting your boundaries.
Forgiveness doesn't condone a person's behavior.

Do we really need to forgive someone when we are wronged?

Source: Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Forgiveness is a very tricky thing. We are told that forgiveness is essential to have a happy life. But what about when it's impossible to forgive? There are many myths about forgiveness—including the idea that you are somehow "required" to forgive someone.

Forgiveness is multilayered.

You don't just forgive someone, and that's it. Forgiveness can take years. You may feel yourself letting go of hurt little by little until one day you feel a weight lifted off of you. You may feel like you have forgiven someone, and then the next day, it feels like it never happened. All of this is normal.

Forgiveness is up to the individual.

Anyone who tells you that you "need to" forgive someone or that you need to do it within a certain time frame is just plain wrong. You don't have to forgive someone. Period. If you do choose to forgive, the time frame is completely up to you. And your personal time frame isn't anyone's business but yours.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone behavior.

When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean that you are saying what they did was okay. It is a common misconception that forgiveness means condoning. Forgiveness is more about giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

You don't have to forgive.

Sometimes people put pressure on others to forgive. Your religion may tell you that you need to forgive, that to forgive is divine. You don't have to forgive. If you don't feel like you can or want to, then don't. It's as simple as that. And no one has the right to judge you for not wanting to forgive. Some violations are so heinous that it is impossible to forgive a person or persons.

If forgiveness feels bad, stop.

If you are being pushed into forgiving someone and it doesn't feel right to you, stop. Be very clear with the person who is pushing you that you have the right to decide if and when you will forgive someone. If you are being shamed into forgiving someone, or made to feel guilty, that's even more reason to tell the person their behavior is inappropriate and damaging.

Talk to a professional.

If you would like to forgive someone but don't know where to start, or if you aren't ready to forgive but are being pressured to, consider speaking with a mental health professional. Talking to a neutral third party can offer you a different perspective, help normalize your experience, and also ameliorate any feelings of being "stuck."