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This is Part 2 of a two-part series. (Part 1)
In Part 1, Dr. Rapoport and I discussed the prevalence of ADHD in children in the U.S., particularly in preschoolers. We also talked about the importance of maintaining a routine and keeping up positivity in parenting during the pandemic.
Rapoport is experienced in working with children with ADHD and other similar special needs and their parents. She has a B.A. from NYU, an M.A. from Teachers College, Columbia University, and an Ed.D. from Boston University. She is the author of two books: ADHD and Social Skills: A Step-by-Step Guide for Teachers and Parents and Positive Behavior, Social Skills, and Self-Esteem: A Parent's Guide to Preschool ADHD. Her website is socialskillstrainingservices.com.
What does it mean to be positive with your kids?
Here's a specific example. Let's say a child is coloring something, and their sister is coloring something—and the child grabs her paper. Instead of saying, "Hey listen, that's not your paper, I gave you a paper," you say, "You know what? I have a paper just for you, let's go get it." No use of "no," no negativity.
You know the saying, "Find something good in your child"? There's always something good.
I was in a situation where I was observing a child in his home. He was kicking his chair during dinner and wouldn't stop. His mother got so upset. She's yelling and screaming. Let me tell you, we've all done it. I get it, I really do. The child stopped for a second and then started again. An alternative way to respond is, "Jonathan, I love the way your napkin is in your lap, look at how nicely you put it there," and "Look at the neat way you're eating, you're holding your fork so nicely. Good for you!" That's a way to switch it ... to switch the negativity to positivity. And it's hard. I think what it requires on the parents' part is a lot of self-talk. I'm a big believer in it. When you're watching your child kick his brother or sister over and over again, you have to say to yourself, "OK, I'm going to be able to handle this. I'm going to remain calm. I'm not going to be negative, I'm not going to say no."
I had a child I worked with for a year. He had so many inappropriate behaviors that the other kids in his classroom of eight and the teacher were getting annoyed by him. We switched everything for him to positivity. And he ended up growing tremendously. First of all, by understanding what he was doing to annoy people. You have to say, "I love the way you're doing this, but let me tell you about this behavior that might annoy some people." And you talk to them honestly about it. And he was only 5 years old. And I sat with him outside the classroom—I talked to him quietly and I gave him positive reinforcement. By the end of the year, he's in the circle, and he started to talk. He looks at me, and I transferred every bit of that positivity and every bit of skill that I was trying to teach him, into eye contact. He looked at me and said "fine." It doesn't mean that a minute later he won't exhibit inappropriate behavior, but at least we won that moment."
And he knows that you are accepting him for him.
Kids with ADHD have to be accepted for who they are. If they talk a little too much, if they're a little too loud, if they're a little too quiet...you have to really accept them for who they are and where they are at the moment. It requires a lot of understanding on the parents' part, and I think it helps to organize the home routine, not say "no," and selectively ignore some behaviors.
You can do social skills training through their siblings, with the siblings' permission. The child can watch their siblings' playdate, and you can sit there with them and say, "OK, did you see what happened when your brother took the Legos? What did he do with the other child? Did he take them all by himself? And then the little boy says, "No, he shared them." That's what you've got to do. "See how nicely they're playing now?"
Listen to an audio version of the interview here:
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