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Key points
- Your desire for intimacy is influenced by body, mind, and social interactions and norms.
- Your mind may be interested in having sex, but you want to ensure your body is also ready to enjoy it.
- When you anticipate doing something fun, you plan for it; you invest mental and physical energy in preparing.
- Physical changes caused by illness or age mean you may need more self-care in preparing for intimacy.
A friend glibly gave her younger sister the following marital advice: “Say ‘yes’ when he wants it. You both win.” That’s debatable.
Dr. Betsy Cairo, a board-certified reproductive biologist and author of two textbooks on reproductive health, envisions a balanced triangle of biology, psychology, and sociology as the image of healthy desire. The advice my friend gave looks more like a flat line than a triangle. Why? It’s pure sociology.
When I spoke with Dr. Cairo, she told me this:
The sociological part is what we’re swimming in. It’s our culture; it’s everything around us. We want a balance of the triangle, and the three elements can either work together to create that balance or work against each other.
The Sociological Leg
My friend knew that her flatline advice (pun intended) would influence her sister; it strengthened the sociological leg of the triangle. Another type of influence relates to expectations within your social sphere or culture. If your communities of family and friends expect you to commit unequivocally to sustaining your intimate partnership, then the sociological pressure to “just say ‘yes’” is potentially intense.
That adds layers of plaster and duct tape to the sociological leg of the triangle.
Particularly if you’re dealing with physiological changes, especially illness of any kind—and this is what the posts here center on—the biological and psychological aspects of intimacy are essential so that “both win.”
What do you need to create a well-formed triangle?
The Biology Leg
The biological component of sexual feelings is libido, our name for the animal desire for sex. Libido tends to be strong when we’re young and weakens as the level of hormones that support desire diminish. No matter how often we reach for supposedly libido-boosting foods like figs and bananas, most of us can’t seem to light the spark that made us want to have sex in elevators when we were 25.
And when biology takes a hit because of cancer, a car accident, or something natural like menopause, we struggle even more to have a physical desire for sex.
Libido is all about your body, so you don’t “think yourself” into sexual need. Libido is a so-called lower-brain function. It’s not the part of your brain that decides to spend $2 million on an ad campaign for your company but the part that yells, “I must have gelato!”
Take action to stimulate the production of feel-good hormones: oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine. In general, that means behaving more like a kid: walking and playing outside, raiding the Easter basket (focus on the dark chocolate bunnies), hugging your best friend, petting your cat, listening to music that gets you dancing.
The Psychology Leg
The psychological leg of the triangle concerns motivation, which is different from the animal lust associated with libido. It is all about liking and enjoying physical intimacy.
Going back to the original “just do it” advice, if the invitation itself lights the fire of motivation for the partners, then the psychological leg starts to firm up. (Are you sick of my puns yet?) If you can get yourself dressed to go to a dinner party, go out of your way to celebrate your best friend’s birthday, or start packing a month in advance for a Croatia coastline cruise, then you understand the mechanics of motivating yourself to have an enjoyable intimate experience with your partner. Get your head into it. Your head will tell you what lube to buy and how dim the lights should be.
Your head will also seek provocative and research-based insights into cultivating desire. Psychotherapist Esther Perel’s video seminar on rekindling desire is a positive start. Her humor and engaging path toward sexual enjoyment appeal to people of all ages, but especially mature people who have faced intimacy challenges.
Final Notes on the Sociological Leg
An important message about the negative pull of the sociological leg is this: We are bombarded with “advice” that sounds reliable, but it isn’t. Much of what we hear is built on something that logic scholars might call “the appeal to the bandwagon fallacy.” Watch commercials with throngs of happy people who are happy because . . . they are drinking a particular beer. Read articles of thousands of people with “great” relationships because . . . they attend a particular church or go to a particular gym.
You want input and support from your social and family communities that help you enjoy and explore your intimate relationship. However, keep the balanced triangle in mind. Honor your body and your mind as well as the words and behaviors of people around you.
References
Karinch, M (2019). Mature Sexual Intimacy. Lanham, MD. Rowman & Littlefield. Interview with Dr. Betsy Cairo on August 25, 2018, p 69.
