The Problem With "Let Me Know What You Need"

One of the most common things people say when they have a loved one who is going through a challenging time is, “Let me know what you need.” We say this when people go through happy changes, like having a baby, or during hard times, like when someone is grieving or ill.

This statement is such a well-intentioned offering. We want to help the people we care about. And often, we are not quite sure what they would appreciate the most. Of course, sometimes, people say this without the intention to follow through. But most of the time, people truly want to help and want to do what the other person needs. However, there are a few problems with this statement, which ends up making it feel more cliché than an actual offer of support. Most of the time, when this offer is made, it is left hanging without a follow-up response, and the person offering support ends up not doing anything.

When people are going through times of stress, whether that is positive or difficult stress, they often do not know what they need. During difficult times, people are often focused on just meeting their basic needs, like figuring out when to take a shower or eat something that day. Though they would certainly benefit from help, the offer of “let me know what you need” creates more work for that person. First, they must think of something that would help them. Then, they need to consider whether that task is something you would be willing to do. Are you willing to do their dishes or wash their laundry, or were you thinking more along the lines of making some food or listening to them talk? And if they come up with something useful that they think you are willing to do, they also now have to ask you to do that and risk that you might say no, which can actually end up leaving them feeling more alone than they did, to begin with. The task of having to first think of something they need, then evaluate whether that thing is something you would be willing to do, to ask for it, and then risk saying no, often prevents people from being able to ask for help.

So what can you do instead if you want to offer your support but are not sure what would be most useful?

Tip 1: Showing up is the most important thing. When people are struggling or overwhelmed, any help is helpful. But the best part of that help is that you are showing the person that they are important to you, important enough for you to go out of your way and do something to help care for them. When you want to offer your support to someone, first think about what you would be willing to do. Are you someone who loves cooking and would like to drop off a few meals? Or maybe you love kids and would be happy to watch their kids for a bit so they can get a nap or a shower uninterrupted.

Tip 2: Offer something specific. Once you decide what you feel comfortable offering, offer it to your friend/loved one in a specific way. You could say, “Hey, I bet fixing dinner every night right now might be hard. Would it work for you if I brought dinner over around 5 p.m. on Mondays?” or “Sundays are my laundry day. Could I pick up your laundry for you and bring it back washed and folded for you?” By offering something specific, you are taking the burden of thinking of an idea of how to help off of your loved one and placing it onto yourself. You also remove the risk of them having to think about you saying no because you are offering something that you are willing to do and that works into your life. And, as a bonus, you get to help in a way that feels comfortable to you.

Tip 3: Even just being there is helpful. Sometimes, you might be in a place yourself where it is difficult to offer logistic help, even though you want to be there for your loved one. Even sending a text saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you” or “No pressure to respond, but I wanted to let you know that you are on my mind today” can make a difference. Or, if texting isn’t your style, you could send a care package or card in the mail. Actions that remind people they are not alone, they are loved, and someone is thinking of them can be helpful to people going through challenging times. They might not respond. After all, it is an overwhelming time for them, but just the offer of your care and presence is a way to show up.