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Key points
- Couples struggle with chronic disagreements that do not get resolved by re-hashing old upsets.
- People think that if their partner changes then they will be happy. But one's level of irritation is distinct from their level of happiness.
- Exercises to improve listening and appreciation can help build a foundation of giving and receiving.
I’ve seen couples in therapy for many years. They come in with their list of complaints about the other person, hoping therapy will fix their problems. Some couples have issues stemming from prior traumas, previous abuse, a history of infidelity, fears of abandonment, or betrayal. And understandably, they would like kindness, reassurance, and support. But instead, many couples struggle with chronic disagreements and irritants. These upsets are expressed in heated arguments, accusations, emotional outbursts, blaming, avoiding, gossiping to others, purposefully ignoring, lying, or disengaging through an addictive behavior.
These events accumulate as if each person is holding a bag to collect resentments and hurts. The resentments can feel like heavy stones weighing down the individuals and the relationship. When upset, each person opens their bag and starts throwing stones at each other by bringing up past hurts and upsets. Stone throwing is not only hurtful to the other person and to the relationship, it is also counter-productive. How do you feel after a stone-throwing session (aka an argument)? Maybe there is a temporary release of frustration, but did anything get resolved? Will anything change as a result? Likely not.
When people argue and bring up old issues, it is not new information. It’s re-hashing hurts that both are already aware of. So why do couples do this? Because even though the event is in the past, the hurt is very much alive in the present. Every time a new event occurs that triggers or reminds them of the past event, it brings it up all over again.
Previously, I've discussed here how memories are organized by emotions. On a string of holiday lights, the string is an emotion and the light bulbs are events throughout a person’s life that are related to that emotion. When an event in the present occurs that plugs in a particular emotion, the light bulbs along the entire string light up. Past memories come to the foreground and into the argument.
So yes, we acknowledge that one person is embarrassing in public, another is controlling, one never cleans up, one is avoidant of physical intimacy, one is afraid to try new things, one spends too much money, one has an intrusive family member — fill in the blank. These represent the list of complaints and irritants that you have about each other. You both know this list well.
If the situation is intolerable, it will lead to a breakup. You have to decide where that line is. I absolutely encourage healthy boundaries and safety. There are behaviors that cross the line and the best course of action is to break up. If you choose to dissolve the relationship, then commit to your decision, make plans, and leave. But if there are sufficient positive factors that keep you together, then it is worth considering this: What’s more important to you, being right or being happy?
Being right means pointing out how your partner is wrong. You may think: If only the other person would change and did less of the annoying thing that they do, then you'd be happy. The truth is that you may be less irritated, but not necessarily more happy. These are two distinct dimensions: your level of irritation with your partner, and your level of happiness with your partner.
I contend that instead of focusing on convincing, coercing, shaming, yelling, pouting, threatening, or begging the other person to change — since this doesn’t work anyway — to shift your focus on improving your level of happiness with this person. Maybe when you are more happy, you will be less irritated. Changing the other person is no longer the goal. Ironically, in some cases — again not the goal here — others do sometimes change. Regardless, you will be happier, so it won’t matter as much.
The first hurdle is getting couples to understand that stopping their upset is not about invalidating their complaint. The other person’s irritating behavior is fully acknowledged. But the path to happiness is about loving that person in spite of their annoying behavior.
This is not a free ticket to be more annoying or irresponsible in the relationship, but rather a call to action. Do you both agree to stay in this relationship? And if so, why? What are the factors that keep you together, and is your relationship worth fighting for? If people are coming to couple's therapy, then at least they are motivated enough to consider these questions.
Once on board, I propose a truce: No more stone throwing, at least not for today, or this week. Instead, there are numerous exercises and strategies that the couple can do to improve their happiness.
One such exercise is practicing empathic listening. This is done by setting aside 5 minutes per person every day to have uninterrupted time to speak while the other person gives their full attention to listen. They are instructed to face each other, without distraction. At the end of the 5 minutes, the listener summarizes and says, “What I heard you say was…” Then they switch roles. This is not a back-and-forth conversation, just speaking and listening. If you partner uses this as a time to rant, don’t react, just reflect back what you heard. Continue to listen and see what happens.
This very simple listening exercise helps couples pay attention, attune, and give and receive from each other. This is the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Another foundational exercise is appreciating your partner. You can wrap this in with your listening time or find ways to incorporate it within your day. In this exercise, you tell you partner one thing you appreciate about them. And your partner simply says “Thank you.” Again, this is about giving and receiving.
From there, you can work on improving other factors that lead to happiness such as connection, commitment, shared values, goals, and dreams. Happiness is achieved by nurturing each other’s strengths, increasing kindness, incorporating fun, humor, and flirtation, and adding joy to your lives. What makes you happy and what makes your partner happy?
The next time your partner does that irritating thing, ask yourself: What’s more important to you, being right or being happy?
