Verified by 
Key points
- It's natural to have some self-pity and feel singled out, but that doesn't help you in the long run.
- Focus on the life you actually have and embrace its challenges instead of wishing you had another life.
- Self-pity is negative and not nearly as powerful as compassion and positive thinking.
When I came home from the psychiatric ward on multiple occasions of psychosis, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. The only way I kept going, eventually getting out of bed sometime each day, was through mustering a sense of self-pity. I was driven by this idea of how my life was not fair and that I should not have had to go through psychotic breaks and be diagnosed with schizophrenia if no one else I know has had to do so. I focused on what I thought was supposed to be happening in my life but was not instead of dealing directly with what my actual life really entails and moving forward.
I felt sorry for myself and isolated. One reason is that no one talks about this illness and everyone is secretive about it. I was at a loss with moving forward because I knew no one else in my situation. And because I knew no one similar to me, I had no idea how to process what happened to me and move forward positively and constructively.
Self-Pity Is Not an Effective Response
Self-pity stems from the familiar feeling that life is particularly unfair to you. It can seem like everyone else has this everyday, predictable life, but yours is bizarre, stigmatized, and painful, and just doesn't seem to make sense.
I felt self-pity for a long time, which stemmed from this negativity and resentment. Holding onto my anger gave me power, especially because I was unwilling to let the past go. If I let go of my anger and self-pity, it would mean that I didn't deserve better than my experiences. It would mean that what I have been through was OK and that I'm the type of person this weird stuff happens to—that I shouldn't expect a "normal" life.
In time, though, as one positive experience led to another, I started to rebuild my life through patience. In time, I began to develop empathy and grace for myself, which guided me forward. For the first time in my life, I truly accepted who I am through developing genuine self-love and respect for myself. True self-love does not align with self-pity.
Self-Pity Does Not Take You Anywhere
In the wake of experiencing a psychotic break, self-pity was all I could muster for myself. It's such a primal feeling that perpetuates the idea that what happened to me is not OK and that it wasn't fair. While that sentiment can feel very accurate, self-pity embodies this resignation about the situation that you are a helpless victim. While you have no control over a medical condition like psychosis, you can take charge of your life afterward and make better decisions for yourself out of love instead of making decisions out of pity.
Feeling sorry for yourself does not make you feel good about yourself. Self-pity does not help you take active steps to improve your life. It breeds a sense of helplessness and a feeling that you can do nothing to change your situation.
Self-pity sabotages progress. Even though you feel sorry for your current predicament, self-pity keeps you paralyzed in a place where you believe there is nothing you can do about it. Self-pity leaves you frozen in time, wishing you could go back and have a different life when that is impossible. Instead, you must focus on how to do your best with the life and lot you actually have.
Compassion Leads to Action
What I have come to learn in my recovery from schizophrenia is what it means to love yourself. What happened to you is not your fault, but only you can take active measures to advance and aid progress. While it's not your fault, only you can do what it takes to fix it.
If you feel sorry for yourself, you think it isn't fair that you have to take an antipsychotic that is so stigmatized, so you don't have to take it. You think you shouldn't have to deal with all this. It isn't fair to have this diagnosis that is so embarrassing and shameful, so maybe you give up.
In contrast, real love for yourself gives you genuine self-respect and helps you do things on your behalf, incrementally, that lead to lasting change. Being your own advocate means doing things when you don't feel like it or even when they don't seem to make a difference. For example, you can make every therapist appointment and schedule them weekly, if necessary. You can adhere to daily medication and attend psychiatry visits. You can do your best to describe how you are feeling and thinking so practitioners can help you. When something isn't working, you can persevere and patiently find out what will work. Love means never giving up on yourself and always hoping for the best. You keep going out of sheer will to believe in yourself and what your future may be.
Compassion for Yourself Is Closure
Compassion means being the most prominent advocate and champion for yourself. Compassion is being proud of who you are and how far you have come and knowing that you can keep getting incrementally better every day. Compassion is making yourself do things on your own, even when you don't feel like it. Compassion is grace and kindness to yourself, where you do not practice self-harm or always call yourself the helpless victim. Compassion is giving yourself a break and appreciating your successes. Love and empathy for yourself go hand in hand.
Compassion is the avenue for stopping for a moment, looking back at your life, and appreciating what you have been through and how far you've come. You can't truly move forward without fully understanding what you have overcome. And then, you stop looking back and keep walking. Compassion is the tool that enables you to give yourself credit for how far you've come and to be proud.
Real love does not come from appreciating and focusing on everything that is right with you. It's about embracing everything about you, both strengths and weaknesses. It's about coming up with a plan for yourself in full knowledge and acceptance of every aspect of who you are. Real love cannot be destroyed by a stigmatized diagnosis and medicine you have to take. Real love will carry you from the person you were before the illness to the person you become on the other side.
This too shall pass, and your pain will not be forever. You will like yourself again one day, be thankful for the life you have, and want to be you. You just have to let go of the past first.
