Parental Estrangement and Your Well-Being

Family is forever, or so it has long been believed. In recent years, family estrangements have been on the rise. The reasons why these sacred bonds can break apart are complex, but research shows that in the cases of adult children it often comes down to three factors: abuse, poor parenting, and betrayal.

But what are the implications of estrangement for the well-being of adult children? This was the focus of a recent study conducted by Audrey Helen Linden and Elizabeth Sillence of Northumbria University, poignantly titled "I'm Finally Allowed to Be Me."

The researchers argue that some individuals may experience estrangement as a loss or a trauma that has long-term effects. Yet for those who seek to break off the relationship, it may bring about the processes of meaning-making or benefit-finding, in which people find important personal significance in the events. These processes are often referred to as posttraumatic growth, which can encourage positive change. In light of both the negative and positive effects of estrangement, Linden and Sillence were interested in what estranged adult children with histories of parental maltreatment would say themselves about their well-being before and after estrangement.

To that end, Linden and Sillence conducted in-depth interviews with study participants who experienced parental maltreatment. An analysis of the narratives yielded four main themes, which are summarized below.

1. Experiences of Contact (Prior to Estrangement)

All of the participants reported that their parents' treatment of them in childhood and continuing contact was detrimental. Of note, the participants experienced controlling behavior by their parent(s), explicitly, implicitly through unrealistic expectations of achievement, or through pressure to play a defined role in the family. As one participant reflected: “I think I was a whipping post for the family sometimes… my responsibility was to be the person that took all the slack or took all the abuse.”

2. Gaining Agency

All of the participants reported that estrangement influenced their sense of agency (though there were some differences between those who were estranged from both parents or their mother and those estranged from their father). Some participants felt that estrangement allowed them to feel liberated and to gain space for themselves, including space to think, to change, or to be their true selves.

Most of the participants also experienced a sense-making process, by which being estranged allowed them the emotional space to recognize and gain insight into the difficult emotions they had when in contact with their parents. Some referred to generational patterns of dysfunction. Consider the remarks of a study participant:

"My mum...she and her mum were estranged for quite a while, and her father was quite enabling of her mother… my mum was the scapegoat. So instead of my mum combating that cycle, she’s literally just redone the pattern all over again. So I’m the scapegoat."

3. Navigating Relationships

In the aftermath of estrangement, all of the participants had to navigate relationships with people that they weren’t estranged from. Moreover, the majority felt that being estranged from their parent(s) allowed them greater authenticity and honesty, thereby improving their relationships more broadly. As one participant stated:

“I can just be honest... about stuff that’s going on in my life... and I don’t have to make up ... reasons [...] It’s so much easier to not have any contact at all and to be able to explain why you’re not.”

4. Navigating Estrangement

All of the participants found the estrangement to be complex, powerful, and distressing. After the first wave of distress decreased, participants felt that parental estrangement lifted the stress associated with contact. It also led to greater quality of life, and well-being. As one participant put things:

“The stress of having to speak to them or see them... is completely gone, and I think... it’s really difficult to describe actually, because it’s such a big change [...] just not having to do it is fantastic... specifically in terms of seeing my dad.”

While estrangement is a deeply upsetting step to take, for some it may allow for greater well-being that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.