5 Signs of an Emotionally Immature Relationship

You may find yourself frustrated with yourself and your partner if you realize you are in an emotionally immature romantic relationship.

Although you have many things in common, enjoy wonderful moments together, and have terrific chemistry, you find yourself repeatedly frustrated and stuck. You often fall into the same arguments over and over again, feel resentful and misunderstood, and harbor a list of grievances that are never resolved. This is because when your union is infected with emotional immaturity, it is hard to tackle issues directly and respectfully, so they play out on repeat. When two people are operating at this level, no one is bringing in new tools for coping or challenging the other to grow out of dysfunctional patterns.

Identifying the signs of emotional immaturity can start a new pattern. Talking through these signs with your partner is a start to learning more mature ways to cope with conflict and negative emotions. Here are five signs that your relationship may be operating on an emotionally immature level:

1. Sarcasm: It is quite common for people to struggle with conflict because it goes against their desire to be pleasing and likable. Far too many people never learn communication and conflict resolution skills. So, instead of effectively managing conflict, they “express” resentment through snide comments, teasing, and sarcasm. This is tricky because sarcasm can be funny in the moment. However, in the longer term, you may be hurt and that can feed hostility. The next time you or your partner engage in sarcasm, see if you can slow the moment down and deepen the discussion: “Wow, that comment just came out of nowhere. I am wondering how you really feel.” Or, own your sarcasm: “After I made that comment, I realized I have some feelings that I haven’t been aware of or communicated to you.”
2. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: This is when you or your partner may have true resentments but instead of talking about them directly, they get acted out in dysfunctional ways. Passive aggression can be verbal or non-verbal. Examples include avoidance, the silent treatment, shunning your partner, voicing upset about something that isn’t the real problem (you left the butter out again!), and procrastinating on things that you and your partner agreed to. Another example is feeling hostile energy emanating from your partner but not understanding why. The hallmark of passive-aggressive behavior is that when people are called out on it, they deny that anything is at all off. So, when receiving the silent treatment, you might say to your partner, “What’s wrong?” and they act like everything is fine. Growing out of this dynamic is dependent upon both you and your partner holding each other accountable when this kind of behavior is going on. If you feel like something is up, it probably is, and you need to trust those instincts and communicate that to your partner.
3. True Feelings Masked as Jokes: It is impossible to have good and happy feelings toward your partner at all times. Coming to terms with the normalcy of this reality makes room to talk about resentments and upsets directly. Denying this reality means the negative comes out in ways that are confusing and hurtful. One common mode is through “jokes” that actually feel like digs into your psyche—“Ha, queen of late is here!” The best way out of this dynamic is when you are the recipient of one of these jokes, sincerely ask your partner if they have some feelings under the surface: “I am realizing I am late quite a bit and wonder what that’s like for you…”
4. Child-Parent Dynamic: It is common in these unions for one person to take on the role of controller or parent and the other to act out the child role. How does this look? One person is always feeling put upon, overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life. The other one is getting away with not putting in their fair share of a contribution to the relationship. Whichever side you are on, this is problematic. If you are the controller, consider why you keep enabling your partner to take advantage of you. What are you afraid of if you stop enacting this role? If you are letting your partner do all the heavy lifting, ask yourself how this dynamic may be keeping you stuck in an adolescent world where you can never feel whole, confident, and deeply secure with yourself.
5. Gaslighting: This expression is overused, but it is an apt way of describing a kind of emotional abuse that can set in over time in an emotionally immature relationship. All of the above dynamics start to take a toll, and when one member points it out, the other member “gaslights” by denying, dismissing, questioning, and doubting your experience. As a result, this makes you question your reality. You may invalidate yourself as overly sensitive, critical, or a nag. Gaslighting is a sign that the emotionally immature dynamic is escalating to a toxic place. Once you start doubting yourself and your experience, it’s easy to lose your bearings in a relationship. If you are feeling this way, consider a break from your partner so you can gain clarity on your true feelings and establish authenticity in your relationship.

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