Why Venting May Not Actually Be Good for You

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We recently met the father of a colleague at a local event. An upbeat, warm, and gracious gentleman, he proceeded to thank us for our work on a collaborative project with his son. Grinning from ear to ear and full of energy, his emotions were absolutely contagious. We immediately connected with him.

The next day, we couldn’t stop talking about his natural exuberance and the positive impact it had on us. While we had just met him for the first time, we felt we had known the delightful man for much longer. In fact, we exchanged information and planned to meet up at a later date.

What if that scenario had been different and had gone in one of the following two ways?

Imagine, for a moment, that the gentleman held back his natural exuberance and didn’t express his feelings of gratitude to us. He was still friendly, yet in a more subdued and reserved way. While nothing is inherently wrong with this behavior, suppressing his positivity would have led to a vastly different encounter.

Our exchange likely would have gone fine. However, it might have been merely transactional rather than interactional. Instead of feeling uplifted and inspired, we probably would have left feeling quite neutral, without a strong desire to pursue a relationship with him.

Alternatively, what if our colleague’s father was in an awful mood when we met and unleashed all his negativity on us: incessant complaints about the weather, angry sentiments about the latest political scandal, and relentless ranting about his life regrets?

If this had happened, we would have had a markedly different experience, one that would have left a sour taste in our mouths and definitely not wanting to invest in a relationship with him.

In fact, we would have tried to flee the situation as fast as possible.

Suppression vs. Expression of Emotions

It is a common belief that regularly suppressing our emotions is an unhealthy emotion regulation strategy. Many of us have been taught that by keeping our emotions in, things will fester and that we need to get them out.

Not surprisingly, we often resort to venting to our family, friends, and perhaps anyone who will listen in an effort to make us feel better. Often, however, the opposite happens. We end up feeling worse. As do they, since all emotions are contagious.

While previous research has shown that the suppression of our emotions is detrimental to our well-being and mental health, the studies weren’t nuanced. They didn’t necessarily distinguish between what kind of emotions we suppress: positive versus negative ones.

Instead, they lumped all emotions together.

While all emotions are important, it’s the positive ones we want to actively cultivate and express in our lives. It’s important to acknowledge and learn from our negative emotions, but we don’t actively seek them out.

If you are experiencing negative emotions, you’re likely dealing with an issue for which you need support. Seek out a professional advisor or trusted friend.

On the other hand, if you’re feeling positivity, spread it far and wide. Positive emotions are good for us and our relationships.

For example, when we are feeling “up,” our minds and our hearts widen, which encourages us to reach out and connect with others. When others are in an upbeat, expansive mood, we naturally feel a strong desire to bond with them.

Source: Pexels/Ron Lach

So, what if we held back on those positive emotions?

Positive vs. Negative Emotions

When we hold back positive feelings, we miss opportunities to connect with others and form deeper relationships. People may think we are being aloof and not approach us.

And when others withhold their positive emotions (like in the example above) the exchange feels rather cold and transactional, rather than warm and interactional.

In contrast, holding back our negative emotions may be more neutral, in that we are not missing opportunities to connect. In fact, we may even increase our chances of forming a closer bond by actively listening and not letting our anger get in the way.

Previous research has found that positivity is associated with enhanced well-being, better health, and flourishing relationships.

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A recent study found that an individual’s satisfaction with an emotional event was lower when they suppressed, as opposed to expressed, their positive emotions.

However, when it came to suppressing or expressing their negative emotions, there was no change in satisfaction.

Another study, published in Clinical Psychology Review, linked the suppression of positive emotions with lower positive affect, whereas the suppression of negative emotions was linked to higher positive affect.

Additionally, in a study published last week, researchers examined the distinct well-being effects of suppressing positive versus negative emotions. Across three studies totaling more than 1,300 participants, the scientists found that suppressing positive, but not negative emotions, was associated with consistently lower well-being.

The findings appear to lend further support to the power of positivity. Cultivating and expressing our positive emotions is vital for our well-being and forming close bonds.

For those of us who want to have a more nuanced balance of “expressing” versus “suppressing” our emotions, here are a few suggestions:

• Understand all emotions are valid and useful. Remember that negative emotions serve a purpose and help us grow. Don’t completely ignore or bury them. Instead, channel emotions like anger and sadness to perhaps fight against injustice or reflect on a loss.
• Express yourself! Don’t withhold your innermost joy. Be authentic and let your positive emotions out. You might be surprised by how much better you feel and the impact your positivity has on others.
• Refrain from “letting it all hang out.” Don’t forget that emotions are contagious. Positivity and negativity can equally spread like wildfire. Consider the consequences of unleashing all of your emotions every time you have one, positive or negative.
• Rather, be selective with your emotions. When expressing negativity, do so in a calm and direct way in the right context. Seek specific support. Confide in a trusted friend or family member rather than widely releasing your negativity to anyone who will listen.

While all emotions are important to acknowledge and validate, it’s the positive ones we want to express and spread. Remember that the next time you’re tempted to hold back your desire to compliment your spouse or thank a friend.

And if you have a sudden urge to “go off” on your partner or colleague, think again. Instead, take a breath and do your best to rein in your emotions. Suppressing your negativity will likely boost your affect and preserve your relationship.

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