Curious About How to Build a Stronger Relationship?

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Stop acting like a child.

We’ve all heard that command many times in our lives. Perhaps it was directed at us by our partner when we’ve done something that they didn’t like. Or maybe it was us who hurled the insult at our partner in a moment of frustration.

When this phrase is uttered it has a negative connotation and is equated with qualities like being stubborn, selfish, and immature, something we all likely have been guilty of at one time or another in our relationship.

However, it’s important to distinguish between being “childish” and “childlike,” so that kids don’t get a bad rap.

So what does it mean to be childlike? Children are typically curious, open to experience, and zestful. Admirable traits that we can all likely use more of in our lives.

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One of the most salient characteristics of children is that they are naturally curious. They ask questions. A lot of questions. And they’re not afraid to do so.

They see the world with wide-eyed wonder and seek to know as much as they can. Unlike many adults, they aren’t afraid of looking foolish by asking questions.

It’s okay not to know.

Similar to children, Socrates was notorious for asking a lot of questions. Questioning is the hallmark of the Socratic method. The ancient Greek philosopher demonstrated we increase our understanding and wisdom by continually asking questions and challenging our assumptions.

We also increase our knowledge by admitting all that we don’t know. The great American philosopher and psychologist William James defined curiosity as “the impulse towards better cognition.” In other words, the desire to understand what you know that you do not.

In the modern-day science of positive psychology, curiosity is one of the 24 VIA Inventory of Strengths (VIA-IS) that have been valued across time and cultures. Often described as “novelty-seeking and being open to experience” curiosity is “associated with the natural desire to build knowledge.”

Not surprisingly, curiosity is also one of the top five character strengths associated with greater individual well-being.

Among its many benefits, curiosity can help us manage anxiety, become more resilient, and succeed in the workplace, says psychologist Todd Kashdan, who heads up the Well-Being Lab at George Mason University. The prolific researcher has conducted extensive research over the years on the rich psychological concept of curiosity and published a popular book, Curious? on the topic.

Not only is curiosity good for us, but it’s also good for our relationships.

Curiosity is associated with positive, subjective experiences, interpersonal closeness, and greater intimacy, Kashdan and colleagues found.

In a recent study of 177 married couples, published in The Journal of Happiness Studies, researchers Maayan Boiman‐Meshita and Hadassah Littman‐Ovadia at Ariel University assessed the character strengths of the 344 study participants using a version of the VIA-IS self-report questionnaire (Peterson and Seligman, 2004). Five character strengths (curiosity, creativity, zest, bravery, love of learning, and hope) were grouped together and labeled “inquisitiveness.”

The researchers found that the higher the inquisitiveness of a partner, the greater their spouse’s marital satisfaction.

An individual with high inquisitiveness is likely to have more flexible thinking than those low in inquisitiveness, which could mean when problems arise in a relationship they can more easily come up with solutions, the researchers explain.

Additionally, they may also use their creativity to come up with new ways to spice up their relationship. Previous research has found that novelty is associated with enhanced relationship satisfaction.

Naturally curious? If not, do this.

Consider the benefits of curiosity and the role that curiosity currently plays in your life. Perhaps curiosity is already a top strength of yours. If so, terrific. Keep on exercising this strength in your life.

However, if curiosity doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t worry. It’s something you can practice individually, and in your relationship, for enhanced well-being and a deeper, more satisfying connection. You may even help instill it in your partner by modeling the behavior.

Here are a few habits you can practice daily that may help increase your curiosity:

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• Ask, don’t assume. We might be surprised about what we discover solely by simply asking.
• Be open to new experiences. Commit to being brave and getting out of your comfort zone by saying yes to new opportunities that come your way. While it may be scary at first, being vulnerable allows us to grow in new ways that may benefit us down the road.
• Inject novelty into your relationship. Proactively seek out something you’ve never done before. Brainstorm with your partner for fun, exhilarating ideas that appeal to both of you. Perhaps plan an adventure together that gets your creative juices flowing.
• Learn a new skill or hobby. Put on your thinking cap and stretch your mental muscles by learning a new skill or hobby. Perhaps study Italian together by signing up for a virtual class or downloading a foreign language app like Duolingo.

Finally, make a commitment to yourself and your partner that you will practice becoming more childlike, rather than “childish,” in your curiosity by seeking to learn something new about the other person on a regular basis and never stop asking questions. Not only does curiosity help us at the moment, but it also gives us hope for the future.