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Relationships
Doing This One Simple Thing Can Improve Your Relationship
Do you know want to feel more satisfied in your relationship?
Posted June 27, 2023 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
More and more people are realizing the importance of healthy relationships to their well-being. And the need to prioritize them over work and other aspects of their life. This is terrific since research suggests thriving relationships aren’t merely important but rather essential to our health and happiness.
In fact, as we wrote in our previous post, the longest study on adult development found that our loving connections are the single most important factor in aging well. And flourishing relationships are central in the PERMA model of well-being established by Dr. Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology.
Virtually everyone we have spoken with across the world over the last decade, while giving our romance and research workshops, have told us that they want to have better and more satisfying relationships. Like the rest of us, however, they just don’t necessarily always know how to do so.
Some workshop attendees have expressed feeling flummoxed and don’t know where to start to build stronger bonds.
Others have said they put in much time and hard work to improve their relationships. From going out to fancy dinners, to taking exotic vacations, to simply spending more time together with their partner.
However, despite all their efforts, they sometimes report they don’t see a marked improvement. Or at least not a lasting one. Feelings of frustration often set in.
“No matter how hard I try, nothing seems to help.” We hear this type of comment a lot from individuals and couples from a variety of backgrounds across the globe.
If any of this resonates with you, you might be surprised to learn that sometimes the answers are simpler than we may think. Sometimes it’s not trying harder but rather doing something different.
In Happy Together, we use the metaphor of the "relationship gym" to talk about the importance of working on our relationships like we work out our bodies at the gym. We may hire a workout trainer to help us on our physical fitness journey by helping us focus our efforts on targeted exercises.
Similarly, the science of positive psychology can help us to strengthen our relationships by directing our attention wisely and performing the right exercises if we want to get results. Like physical fitness, when it comes to relational fitness, all too often we may be focusing on the wrong thing.
Less is sometimes more
Sometimes we make things harder than they are. Not realizing our attention is misguided. Here’s where science can help.
Before you continue or embark on Herculean efforts to improve your relationship you might want to heed the advice from a recent study, which suggests that simply recognizing character strengths in a partner may lead to increased relationship satisfaction.
It doesn’t even entail helping your partner to apply your partner’s strengths as we’ve previously written about. It’s even easier than that. Merely noticing your loved one’s inherent qualities.
Sometimes in our anxious efforts of wanting our relationship to be better we make things more complex than they have to be. We may flurry around to keep up with our racing mind searching for all sorts of things that we naively think will help.
Perhaps, we fixate on specific activities that bring us joy, that we no longer see our partner. And then we are surprised when our overtures fall flat in the face of our loved one.
In other words, we get stuck on what we “think” our partner would want based on what we’d want.
This frenetic fog may cloud our judgment causing us to miss what’s right in front of us. Our partner. In particular, noticing the unique qualities that make them tick.
When done repeatedly this negative thought pattern may damage our relationship.
Try not to fall into this unhealthy habit the next time you feel at a loss of what to do to help improve your relationship. Instead, try practicing the following three steps:
- First, slow down to simplify. Take three mindful deep breaths to slow down your racing mind. Become aware of the present moment and what you’re looking to accomplish.
- Next, stop and practice “seeing” your partner for who they are. Bring your full attention to your partner as if you’re seeing them for the very first time. Silently notice all their unique qualities that make them who they are, and that first attracted you to them.
- Finally, savor this experience and your partner. Don’t rush the process. Take time to bask in the sacred experience of deeply seeing your partner. Let the warm feeling permeate your body and your relationship.
In sum, remember that simply recognizing and reminding yourself of your partner’s strengths can have a significant impact on your relationship satisfaction. If you’d like, you might even want to share what you see with them! You might be surprised to discover that sometimes less is indeed more!
