Why Allowing Ourselves to Be Sad Is Important for Well-Being

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It’s hard to ignore the fact that today is Valentine’s Day. Red paper hearts decorate commercial storefronts everywhere. Advertisements abound on television and social media reminding us to buy our sweetheart a romantic gift. And florists and restaurants vie for our attention with special offers for our significant other.

However, what happens if we are not in a relationship? Perhaps we recently experienced a loss? Or, what if we are not feeling particularly upbeat? Should we pretend to feel this way because it’s expected of us on Valentine’s Day or any other day?

"Faking it till you make it" doesn't always work

If you’re not feeling particularly joyous today, that’s fine. Pretending that you are doesn’t help you or your partner. It’s important to talk about our challenges and how we can better improve our relationship. Forcing yourself to feel happy doesn’t usually help. In fact, it can backfire and make us feel worse.

And if we are parents, we also have to remember that our behavior has an impact on our children. We are role models to them. They are always watching and learning from us. We are responsible for what they learn. How we act and respond in times of loss can have a positive or negative effect on our kids.

Don’t rush to see silver linings too quickly

Being optimistic is beneficial to our lives, of course. However, if a loved one—a partner, friend, or child perhaps—is struggling over a recent loss, it’s important we acknowledge what they’re experiencing and where they are in the grieving process, and not push them prematurely to positivity.

For example, here in Philadelphia, many of us are incredibly sad about our beloved Eagles' heartbreaking loss on Sunday. This can be especially hard on kids. We spoke with a Philadelphia Inquirer mental health reporter about how to help our kids process the loss.

One of the tips we suggested is to allow them to experience the sadness and not to rush to put a positive spin or silver lining on the situation too quickly, as one of us has done in the past.

“It’s OK to be sad,” I (Suzie) told the reporter. You have to give yourself time to, not wallow in it, but acknowledge the emotion.”

Of course, we don't want to defer the silver linings conversation forever. It's important to have this conversation when we are ready. However, trying to go there too soon can backfire, making our kids feel misunderstood as well as sad. Further, they may now feel bad about feel sad.

Work out regularly at the "relationship gym" in good times and in bad

Remember to lean on others in good times and in bad. It’s crucial we work on our loving relationships—those with our spouse, children, and close friends—every day, not just on Valentine’s Day and special occasions. As we discuss in Happy Together, we invite everyone to exercise with us at the “relationship gym,” a concept we coined to emphasize that there are exercises we can do to improve our relational muscles and flexibility.

Cultivating healthy relationships is vital for our well-being. Having someone there for you no matter what life throws your way can be a literal lifesaver for many of us. Telling your loved ones that you are a constant for them helps them feel appreciated, valued, understood, and ultimately loved.

We told our son that while he can’t always count on his favorite team to win the Super Bowl, he can always count on us to be there for him. And to acknowledge whatever he is feeling. The good and the bad.

In sum, by acknowledging all emotions—the positive and negative ones—and helping others to do so as well, we will learn to better navigate daily challenges, live more authentically, and deepen our loving connections.