Are You Unconsciously Shutting Your Partner Down?

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Are you a strengths hinderer or strengths enabler?

What is one of your partner’s signature strengths? Perhaps it’s creativity, zest, or perspective. How do you typically respond when they exercise a specific strength?

Are there ways you actually might be shutting your partner down? Maybe right after they start brainstorming how to approach a home renovation project you immediately start listing all the reasons you think their idea won’t work.

Or perhaps, you shoot down their fun-filled vacation plans and see their exuberance instantly plummet. If so, what can you do to support your partner and help them open up instead?

In contrast, are there specific ways you encourage your partner in their use of that strength? If so, what could you do to continue encouraging your partner even more?

Here are some specific things you and your partner can do to help bring out the strengths in each other:

Practice strengths spotting in one another

Take turns reviewing each other’s top five strengths. Ask your partner if they were surprised by any of their strengths. Ask them to pick a strength with which they especially connect. Next, recall a time when you saw your partner exercise that strength and share it with them in vivid detail. Finally, ask them to explain how having that strength feels. Ask open ended questions to encourage them to go into detail. When you finish the exercise switch roles and have your partner ask you the questions.

Swap strengths stories

Ask you partner to choose one of their top five strengths. Make sure they don’t tell you what strength they chose. Next, have them recount to you a time when they used that strength successfully in life. Remind them to focus on an inherent strength, not a skill or talent.

Be a good listener. Don’t interrupt or interject with your own thoughts. Instead, give them the space to reflect and talk. Focus your attention on listening for strengths. When they are finished telling their story, help them to savor it by asking pointed questions highlighting their strengths. Finally, tell them the specific strengths you heard in the story. Switch roles and now share a story about one of your signature strengths.

Use your strengths in new ways

Once you and your partner have identified your signature strengths you need to put them into practice regularly. Together, reflect on the ways you already use your strengths in your life. Perhaps that strength of zest is exercised regularly on the soccer field when your helping to coach your son’s travel team. Or maybe your partner’s social intelligence is commonly called on to help smooth things over when discussing sensitive topics at family get-togethers or controversial issues at a cocktail party.

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Brainstorm some ways you can both use your strengths more often in life. Next, write down some specific actions you can both take to use your individual strengths more in your lives together. Finally, commit to using your strengths in new ways each day for the next week.

The Science of Strengths

We talk a lot about strengths since it’s the foundation of positive psychology. In fact, positive psychology is commonly dubbed “the science of strengths” since it focuses on what goes well in life and what makes individuals and communities thrive. In brief, positive psychologists have identified twenty-four strengths that have been valued across time and cultures. Qualities like love, leadership, kindness, and curiosity. We all have strengths and we have them in different configurations. Our top five strengths are referred to as our “signature strengths.” We can discover our strengths by taking the free VIA survey.

However, it’s not enough to solely identify our strengths. We must put them into action. Using our strengths on a daily basis has been found to increase individual well-being. Further, helping our partner exercise their strengths has been associated with greater relational and sexual satisfaction

Finally, novelty is not only the spice of life, but also well-being it appears. Using our strengths in new ways is associated with a marked improvement in well-being. In fact, in a strengths intervention study, those who practiced using their strengths every day for one week had a boost in well-being up to six months after the intervention, as opposed to those in the control group who were instructed to write about childhood memories for a week. Additionally, the intervention group experienced a decrease in depression as well. However, the placebo participants experienced no change in mood.

In sum, by practicing these three exercises ( strengths spotting, swapping strengths stories, and using your strengths in new ways) you may feel better about yourself and your relationship. Additionally, you may discover that your partner may no longer be shutting down on a regular basis but instead is opening up more to you. Together, you may find you are both becoming better individuals and growing together as a team.