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One of my oldest and dearest friends recently passed away after a long battle with cancer. I was more than honored when his wife, whom I had met when they were on their first date, called and asked if there was anything I could offer to help her cope with her loss.
I paused for a moment, not wanting to trivialize her suffering with psychobabble clichés. After some deliberation, I suggested two things, neither one being a quick fix and both requiring some follow-up coaching. A first was to honor her feelings of grief, but to also work to eliminate her depression, by ridding all vestiges of irrational thinking. The second was to work to gracefully except her painful feelings of grief, believing that they were healthy and appropriate and trusting they would abate over time.
You see, most people upset themselves over their upsets, thereby creating a secondary emotional problem on top of their primary one. They guilt trip themselves about their anger. They react with depression about being depressed. They get anxious, even terrified, about their anxiety. Now they have two emotional problems for the price of one. This not only compounds their misery, but it also makes it twice as hard to find happiness.
As I write this, I think of one of my current patients. He presented severe depression that debilitated his motivation, energy, and libido, not to mention rendering him miserable. Topping that, he roundly condemned himself or his condition, thereby creating more depression and guilt for himself. He thought: “I shouldn't be so weak.” “I'm letting my family down.” “What a loser I am!”
I think of my 82-year-old widowed aunt who frets about the minor breakdowns in her life – the TV that goes on the blink, the icy roads that make it hazardous to get to the grocery store, getting Christmas gifts to the post office in a timely manner. Worse, she panics about her anxieties, telling herself, “I can't stand this,” “I'm going to crack up.” “What will become of me?”
Then there’s 45-year-old Sharon who suffers from deep fears of abandonment that make her anxious, clingy, and insecure in her primary relationships. The rub is that she feels so ashamed of these “weaknesses” that she denies their existence and blames her significant others for her interpersonal woes.
As a psychotherapist, I face two challenges when I deal with people who present two levels of disturbance. The first is to help them get over their secondary disturbance – their guilt and shame over their anger, their depression about their depression; the anxiety about their anxiety. The second is to assist them in conquering their original disturbance, whatever it may be. It is very difficult to help people over their primary emotional problems when guilt ridden, depressed, or anxious about it.
What I want for you, dear reader, is for you to stubbornly refuse to go bargain-basement shopping for downers. That is, I want you to learn how to not upset yourself about being upset – to gracefully lump your feel bads, and then to get on with the business of creating happiness for yourself. So, sear these realities into your mind.
• There will be regular breakdowns in your life. These can be minor – the flat tire, the electrical power failure, the flu bug on your birthday. But, they can also be major – the death of a loved one, the need for surgery, a business setback. The bad news is that you will likely face some of each in your lifetime; the good news is that you will survive them. Regardless, you would be wise to (1) expect that you too will face adversities as you travel through life and (2) refuse to think that you are a special case and they should never happen to you
• You will likely feel upset of one kind or another when you face these breakdowns. Feeling frustration, annoyance, sadness, sorrow, and/or concern are normal and healthy emotional reactions to adversity. Feeling anger, depression, guilt, and/or anxiety are overreactions that result from you thinking irrationally about these adversities. If you find yourself mired in the latter, please seek out a competent cognitive-behavior therapist to help you past it.
• When you do get upset over some breakdown in your life, take care not to make yourself upset about being upset. There is an old adage that has some wisdom to it: “Have it and it won't have you.” Once you gracefully lump being upset, you give yourself three gifts: (1) you do not create a secondary emotional problem on top of your first one; (2) you can go about your day with a “so what” attitude about your upset, thereby still being productive and maybe even finding pockets of pleasure; (3) you can work constructively to rid your original upset, encumbered by this additional emotional baggage.
Gracefully Lumping Feel Bads
Here are five strategies you can use to gracefully lump the inevitable feel bads you will experience in life. Remember: it is insane to get upset about being upset; this only compounds your upset and leads to nothing constructive.
1. Drop “I can't stand it.” People often adopt this attitude in the face of feeling bad. But, this is a non-sensical way of thinking because nothing – nothing! – is unstandable. What you experience may be unpleasant, difficult, even painful. Yet, it is standable. You will live through it, it will be time-limited, and you will be undamaged when it's over. If you make yourself believe you can stand your feel bads, you will lump them gracefully, and get on with the job of feeling better.
2. Don't whine. Whining is a form of “I'm special.” When you whine, you communicate to yourself that you, being a special case in the universe, shouldn't even ever experience adversity or feel bads. Nonsense! Of course you are not special such that your life should always be carefree. Of course you should (statistically speaking, anyway) suffer at times like all the rest of us.
3. Seek out pleasure. Often when people are upset, they shut down. They pull down the shades, take the phone off the hook, and cover themselves with blankets. All this encourages brooding and self-pity. Better to take charge and seek out comfort and pleasure – get in the hot tub, listen to music, go to the movies, cuddle with a loved one, make yourself a banana split. One of my patients made a long list of pleasurable activities from which to select when feeling down. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to do this as well.
4. Count your blessings. Nobody in their right mind wants to feel unhappy. Yet, like the flu, it's easy to get caught up in unhappiness so that all the good in life gets ignored. When you are upset is perhaps as important a time as any to review what is good in your life – your loved ones and friends, your hobbies and interests, your creature comforts. You could even go one step further and celebrate what's good in your life with gratitude. (See my November 30, 2014 blog, “Happiness With Life 3: Practice Gratitude”).
5. Connect and give. What better way to get outside your own unhappiness than to reach out to others? Sharing in the warmth of friendship and affection can balm almost any pain. Even better, focus on showing others affection, being interested in their life, helping others have a better day. This can not only get you outside of your own misery, but also give you pleasure in and of itself.
Going Forward
Life will surely throw you curves. And, unless mindless, you will at times experience emotional pain. How you respond to this pain will go a long way toward determining your overall happiness in life. You really only have two choices when emotionally upset: one is to whine and catastrophize about how bad you feel, thereby compounding your misery; a second is to gracefully lump your pain while working to reduce it through constructive cognitive and behavioral strategies. The second of these choices is the substance of this blog.
I hope this blog has been useful to you in your quest for happiness. I believe in you and your right to be happy. But, remember, you’ve got to work at it. So, dear reader, determine to live each day of 2015 healthy, happy, and with passion.
Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose; and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net.
