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Let’s explore some alternative ways to handle distress in your child, which is often caused by boredom or separation.
There are endless potential causes of distress—hunger, fatigue, loud noises, discomfort, or pain to name a few. As an infant grows and begins to crawl, walk, and talk, two of the most common causes are boredom and separation.
Boredom
Boredom comes from a lack of interesting and enjoyable stimulation. It makes a child feel restless, trapped, unhappy. Some infants and young children can keep themselves interested and intrigued, but most are not self-stimulating until they get older. Parents who like to help their infants learn—and like to keep the peace—realize early on that it’s best to provide a steady stream of calm but engaging stimulation, particularly interaction with other people.
Research by Rene Spitz in the 1940s revealed that infants will actually die if they do not get enough stimulation, even if they have enough food and sustaining shelter and are clean. His work and work by others over the past five decades has confirmed that, if there is not enough appropriate stimulation at certain points in an infant’s life, the brain will not develop fully.
Intelligence, language skills, perception, thought, and other abilities may be diminished. However, an infant does not have to experience extreme boredom to be affected negatively by a lack of stimulation.
Even in ordinary situations, boredom may make infants withdraw and become disengaged, or it may lead to chronic fussiness. In young children, it can trigger restlessness and the tendency to get into everything, as they desperately try to stir up some interesting stimulation. Later on, as they enter adolescence, boredom may result in self-destructive, delinquent, or criminal behavior.
We have all seen children “act up” in a restaurant. They get bored and start to become fussy and squirmy; they might entertain themselves by blowing milk through a straw or dropping a fork on the ground, crying, and hitting anyone who tries to restrain them. When boredom/distress reaches such levels, many parents misinterpret the child’s outcry as naughty behavior and their impulse is to punish the distress—instead of providing something that occupies the child's curiosity.
Many parents, who don’t understand the signals, may misinterpret fussiness. They may dismiss it as, “Oh, she can’t stand it when she isn’t the center of attention.” Or they demean the child by saying, “You are so bad! Why can’t you learn to behave?” These responses also dismiss the child’s legitimate expression of feelings and can undermine self-esteem.
If you and your child have to sit for a long time in the doctor’s waiting room, at a restaurant, or while shopping, try playing with toys, reading a book; include your child in conversation or even hold the child if necessary. Attending to a baby’s boredom will help provide proper stimulation so that intelligence, language, thought, and perception can develop normally. In fact, these times can be transformed from periods of potential upset into opportunities for learning.
Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety, another common trigger for distress, is an inevitable part of life—particularly in infants. Sooner or later, mom and dad have to leave the room, go to work, run an errand, or take a shower. A child may also have to deal with more significant separations, caused by a parent having to travel or by divorce.
But whether the separation is part of everyday activities or extraordinary circumstances, infants can quickly conclude that they are being abandoned, making them feel vulnerable and unprotected. In such circumstances, your emphasis can be on acknowledging the child’s feelings.
For example, if your child becomes upset when your wife leaves the house to run errands, you might say, “I think you must be missing Mommy. I love you, sweetie, and Mommy will be back soon." Or, "here’s Teddy. Maybe if you hugged him close, you’d feel better." Even if the infant cannot talk yet, she understands the tone of voice and general meaning.
In moments of separation/distress, a child may also turn angry—at you who are there and at the person who has left them. It is important not to take such anger personally. The child is simply expressing escalated, sustained distress, and is pleading to be soothed and reassured.
Infants and children are striving to become independent, but they desperately need the reassurance and protection that comes from being very close to mom and dad. A once-sociable child may become clingy and timid; a child who loved her babysitter may now act as if they never met; beloved grandparents may become resented substitutes for mom or dad.
Some children may have a harder transition to independence than others, but there is no reason to criticize a child who is struggling with this developmental stage. Remember to talk, explain, substitute, and distract:
Frank is the father of 15-month-old John. When his wife had to leave town for four days, the baby was understandably upset and confused. “I did what I could to reassure him,” Frank recalls. “I remember when I was changing his diapers, he looked so bewildered. I said, ‘I know this must seem different to you, but we can have fun, too. Mom will be back in a few days. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything.’ Maybe it was my imagination, but I swear he smiled at me and I could feel his whole body relax. We also sat and cuddled with Mommy’s bathrobe, which is very soft, smells like Mom, and John loves it. It made him feel connected to her, I think.” This kind of transitional object can be very comforting to kids. Frank did a good job.
It is also helpful if mom or dad can call (or FaceTime or Zoom) during an absence and say hello over the phone. Often parents think they will only upset their child if they get in touch with them during an absence. “She’s okay, why upset her?”
But parents may not realize that a child’s lack of overt expression of distress may mask her inner emotional state. If the child becomes teary when you call, it is not that you are creating a new feeling of unhappiness; you are simply tapping into the child’s unexpressed distress that was there all along. Allowing her to express it and then offering consolation is actually healthy for the child, even if it is traumatic for mom or dad.
