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A number of years ago, I presided over the funeral of an older member of my congregation. After the church service, we proceeded to a short graveside service. Once we arrived I noticed the deceased’s 4-year-old great-grandson wandering aimlessly around. I asked him if he could help. He nodded eagerly. One tradition is that we distribute flowers at the graveside and as people leave, they place it on the casket. I asked the boy if he would distribute those flowers. He did so with grace, solemnity, and pride. Later, I visited the man’s widow. She noted that she was so proud of her grandson and believed his great-grandfather would have been pleased. Moreover, it was a reminder that the family would continue. In fact, in the shock of the loss, the only memory of the funeral she retained was that of her great-grandson somberly offering the flowers. (So much for my funeral sermon!).
I earlier addressed the question of whether children should attend funerals. There I emphasized that children—once they could sit through such a ceremony—should have the choice to decide. I reviewed that children should be empowered to make that choice by offering information, support, and options. I would even go further—stressing that children also should have the opportunity to participate if they wish.
There are many roles children and adolescents can assume at a funeral. For example, children can act as pallbearers. They can be readers. They can help plan the funeral—from choosing the casket to selecting songs or readings. In one case, a woman’s young grandchildren drew pictures that graced the cover of the funeral program.
A number of years ago, a young girl died in car crash. As we planned the service, the parents asked her friends to play prominent roles. They did virtually everything. They were ushers, pallbearers, and readers. The Junior Choir and her Middle School Glee Club sang. Her closest friend offered one of the eulogies. As the service continued, I thought how meaningful was this for the friends who were so much a part of her life to be so involved now in her death. And, I thought, how important for the parents to see the love and devotion her friends had for their daughter.
From prehistory, we have recognized the importance and power of ritual—especially at the passage of life. There is no reason to deny children and adolescents that power.
