What if Your Kid Is the Toxic Friend or Bully?

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A toxic friend undermines another person’s sense of confidence and self-worth, making toxic friends bullies on a more intimate level than we usually think of bullying. So, the strategies that work to help bullies change their behavior will also help if you’ve come to see that your child or teenager is behaving as a toxic friend to another.

There’s important research showing the harmful and long-lasting consequences of being bullied during childhood, but there’s less written about what’s going on for the child who’s the bully.

A mother once brought her 11-year-old son to my clinic. She knew Liam to be kind, thoughtful, and sensitive, but she was getting complaints from the school and from other kids’ parents that her boy was a bully. She said she sometimes lost her temper with her kids and was working on that, but that she didn’t know what else to do to help Liam.

A comprehensive psychoeducational assessment showed that Liam was exceptionally smart—an IQ over 140, well into the gifted range—and also highly sensitive and emotional. I observed that Liam was always on the alert for insults and bad intentions, and I suspected that his bullying behaviors were attempts to pre-empt other kids being mean to him.

Over the next few weeks, he learned to pay attention to his thoughts before acting on them and to interpret other kids’ words and actions as coming from a good place, or wounds of their own. This focus on empathy and the reframing of others’ intentions stopped the bullying, but that was only the beginning of our work together.

Liam was an idealistic young man. In response to questions, he talked about his ideas for making his school and the world a better place. He was excited to share his new-found understanding, and together we designed an anti-bullying campaign for his school.

He found other kids and a teacher willing to work with him, and together they implemented it. With a little help redirecting his intelligence, sensitivity, and idealism, this ex-bully discovered that he was a natural leader.

Not every toxic friend or bullying situation can be turned around so happily and so quickly, but this story illustrates some of the basic principles involved in responding effectively to a child’s antisocial behavior.

1. Pay attention to complaints about your child. Initially, Liam’s mother was defensive. She thought the teachers, kids, and parents were being unfair in targeting her son. As the complaints added up, however, she decided she needed to take them seriously. Her openness was key to Liam’s turnaround.
2. Listen to your child’s version. Talk to your child about what you’re hearing. Without criticism or judgment, ask them what they think people mean when they describe them as a bully or toxic friend. Listen with patience. Try to get a sense of your child's perspective.
3. Assess your behavior. Do you always treat your child and other family members with kindness, patience, and respect? If not, that’s a very good place to start. Tell your child you’re working on this, and give examples of your falling short and succeeding as they happen in real-time. When you notice that you’re being or have been bossy, difficult, sarcastic, impatient, or demanding, apologize to your child and let them know you’re trying to get better. When you notice you’ve been a great model of kindness, patience, or respect, point that out too. Liam’s mother helped Liam turn the corner on his bullying by the example she set at home, working on her temper issues.
4. Discuss other family members’ behavior. Acknowledge it if your child observes that their other parent or one of their siblings behaves like a bully. Do what you can to address that, but don't switch focus away from this child. Tell your child you’re starting with just the two of you because you can’t fix everything at once.
5. Make a bullying chart for you and your child. At the end of each day, sit down for a 10-minute meeting with your child where you assess your successes and failures for that day. Discuss a weekly award for achievements. Find something you’ll both enjoy doing.
6. Support your child or teenager. See the best in your child no matter what the world might be saying. The family support that Liam experienced was critically important to him finding his way to the other side.
7. Stay connected. The toxic friend or bully often feels lonely or misunderstood. Do your best to be present, patient, and kind, to show up for your child in all the ways that matter. The child who feels safe, seen, soothed, and secure is much less likely to behave in antisocial ways. Liam’s mom had a demanding job and said she hadn’t always been as available as she should be. She was working on that and said that Liam appreciated her increased presence at home.
8. Do some problem-solving together. Whether or not your child sees their behavior as a problem, help them see that the fact that others have a problem with it is in itself a problem. Try to generate some possible solutions.
9. Work with your child’s teacher. Teachers usually know a lot about what’s going on and can help you understand the extent of the problem. They have experience with bullying and may have some good ideas. Let your child’s teacher know you’re aware of the situation and want to work with them to solve it.
10. Seek help if you need it. If the problem is serious (e.g., vicious cyberbullying) or you don’t seem to be making much progress and don’t know anyone who might help, talk to your child’s teacher or your family doctor to see if they can recommend someone. Alternatively, you might find a bullying specialist in your neighborhood via an online search such as the “Find a Therapist” search on this website.

Anti-social behavior such as bullying or being a toxic friend can be triggered by times of stress or change, or just reflect a need for some help understanding how to navigate the confusing world of getting along with others.