“I Apologize for the Inconvenience”

People experience distress in the overuse of the phrase "I'm sorry," as well as distress with when an apology is warranted but not offered. So, it’s important to develop the skill of when to apologize, learn the structure of the apology and how to accept an apology; these tools can keep people calm and respectful in even the most challenging situations.

A right way and a wrong way

Admitting fault and asking for forgiveness are important elements in regaining trust and should not be turned into an automatic marketing ploy. The ability to accept responsibility and act was recently modeled by singer Lizzo, when fans reacted to a derogatory term in her song, ‘Grrls’. She quickly posted an apology and re-recorded the song. She listened and learned,using curiosity to better understand her fans’ reaction and how she could respond with compassion as well as action.

On the other hand, is Qantas, a top ASX company, which has been plagued with leadership changes, poor service and airline on-time performance. As criticism continued to mount, the CEO, Alan Joyce blamed customers and the need to pay off debts-cutting 9400 staff, as reasons for the poor service. No apology was included in his statement about 'not delivering service we would expect to.'

Crisis marketing began in the 1980s when there was a negative shift in public perception and a need to be proactive— beginning with an apology. What is applicable from the marketing lessons is the need to focus on listening, develop creative problem-solving abilities, and be more empathetic.

Is apologizing a weakness?

On a personal level, it makes sense to apologize when, individually, you have created distress. Apologizing too much might be a clue about other feelings, however.

For instance, are you often apologizing when asking for water, for saying no, or for needing help? Research shows the effectiveness of the apology has a less favorable reaction when you do it frequently.

Feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness can lead to this over-polite behavior. Instead of feeling grateful when someone does something kind, you apologize for having needs or trying to avoid conflict at all costs.

It is possible to shift these fears by using positive self-talk, since many times the conflict comes from within. Ponder the reasons you over-apologize. Feeling guilty instead of grateful, low self-esteem, fear of conflict and fear of what others think can undermine your authority, hurt your self-esteem, and confidence.

Perhaps a thank you can replace an apology. Saying “excuse me” or “pardon me” can also suffice. Practice being comfortable speaking up in a meeting without apologizing for your idea or thanking colleagues for waiting for you when you were running late. It is also possible to say no when a colleague makes an unreasonable request.

Practice replacing the automatic apology at every opportunity. Be discerning about the people in daily networks. Consider trimming down social media connections.

You don't have to be friends

To be sure, it’s not expected for everyone to get along with everyone. So, when you make a mistake, an apology is a tool to build or rebuild relationships.

When you apologize in a caring way, it demonstrates empathy. The purpose is to make things right; even though words are always remembered, a sincere apology can help future communication. If an action causes distress, an apology could communicate acknowledgment that the other person’s feelings were hurt.

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Anatomy of an apology

In the apology itself, use the person’s first name to begin showing sincerity; immediately followed by, “I am sorry,” and then be specific about the action you are sorry for.

Consider what you will do in the future to avoid this type of action and resulting distress. Suggestions include recognizing your emotions and taking some deep breaths, or asking to end the conversation in this moment and come back when you are calmer. You can also be more forthcoming when something happens involving property of others.

Just saying “I will try to do better” is not enough without a specific action behind it. Trust has been broken and it takes positive action to rebuild that trust.

In addition, you are modeling kindness.

If someone hurts your feelings, take in the words and be ready to consider forgiveness. In his book The Power of Kindness, Piero Ferrucci writes “forgiveness is the only remedy for unspeakable suffering.” You may not feel like being friends or having contact with this person. You can accept the apology and not continue the relationship depending on the pain you have experienced.

The famous Buddha quote, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” applies here.

When you feel a conflict is about to occur, pause to remember the goals of the conversation and that you can respectfully disagree. Often conflict is due to lack of information. If you can use curiosity, you might save some emotional energy which can lead to anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion. During a heated verbal exchange, try to focus on the idea that you are disagreeing with rather than the person. Use reflective language as “I” statements will better communicate how you feel instead of pointing at them and saying “you.”

Allow yourself a moment to calm down and really listen to what they are trying to say without interrupting. If someone does not feel heard, they will continue to be defensive. Keep the conversation on track by staying rational, even when you are passionate about the topic. Will it matter tomorrow?

Using these tips you can increase your confidence, rebuild your relationships and maybe even maintain your cool when faced with conflict. Apology accepted.

Judy Friedrichs is the Wellness Liaison at Rush University Medical Center, and a Public Voices Fellow with The OpEd Project