Strategies for Growing Your Child's Social Skills

Whether you have a highly extraverted child who constantly talks over others or an introverted child who has trouble joining in group activities, most children benefit from honing their social skills. Just like walking and talking, interacting with others is something that is learned and fine-tuned through practice. Social skills can be pretty nuanced for a developing brain; for example, there are times when you want your child to speak up (e.g., if they see a friend being teased) and times when you hope they will keep their mouth shut (e.g., when they feel compelled to comment on the person in line behind you at the grocery store: “Mommy, that lady has crazy hair!”).

Teaching Through Conversation

The good news is that children are constantly refining their social skills as they grow (often, adults are, too). One of the best ways you can help your child develop social acumen is by teaching through conversation. Emotional competence is central to most social situations, meaning that children interact better with others when they have an understanding of how emotions connect to behavior. There are opportunities for teaching these skills everywhere (just ask my son; he calls them “mom tips,” now accompanied by an eye roll at age 13). For example, you can read a book with your child and talk about what happened — connecting emotions to the characters’ behavior. Why do you think the bunny got so upset? How do you think the piggy felt when the elephant took the toy away? When your child talks to you about something another child did at school (usually this was my child reporting on another child’s misbehavior: “Guess what David did today?!”), you can use it as an opportunity to talk about making different choices.

Role-Playing

You can also role-play areas where your child is struggling with social situations. For example, if your child has trouble looking adults in the eye when they are speaking, you can practice together, and help them understand why the skill is important. Tell your child a story while looking at the ground and then ask how it made them feel. That will help your child understand that it is uncomfortable for the other person when someone talks without making eye contact. Then have your child practice telling you a story while holding your eye contact.

Verbally Rewarding

“Practice makes perfect” (or at least, better) isn’t just for team sports; it is equally applicable when it comes to children’s social skills. Make sure to praise your child when they handle a situation well — when your extraverted child gives others a turn to speak, when your introverted child takes the initiative to make a new friend. Verbally rewarding child behavior is a great way to help your child learn and to increase the frequency of behaviors you want to see more of.

Remember: Teach — role play — reward — repeat!

This content is drafted from my new book, The Child Code, published by Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, and also appears on Medium.