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Key points
- Parents care a lot about their children’s behavior, but they often ignore one of the biggest things shaping it: their genes.
- Genes influence how childrens' brains develop, how others respond to them, and how they choose and respond to their environments.
- Understanding how children’s genes shape their behavior can help parents allow them to become the best version of themselves.
As parents, we care a lot about our children’s behavior; we want to shape our children into responsible, kind, productive human beings. But very often we ignore one of the biggest things shaping our children’s development: their genes! About half of the differences between children across all dimensions of behavior, ranging from extraversion to impulsivity to anxiety result from differences in their DNA, with the other half resulting from differences in their environments. By ignoring the genetic piece, we actually make it harder on ourselves as parents — because understanding how our children’s genes shape their behavior can help us parent them to become the best version of themselves. Here are five key things parents need to know about how their children’s genes impact their behavior:
1. Genes influence the way children’s brains get wired during development.
DNA doesn’t just code for brown or blond hair, blue or brown eyes, it shapes the way our children’s brains form, which impacts their natural tendencies across many behavioral traits. That’s why some kids are naturally more sociable, and others take longer to warm up to new people and situations. Some kids are more go-with-the-flow, and others are more prone to distress, frustration, and fear. Some kids have more self-control, and others are more impulsive. It all starts with differences in their DNA.
To figure out what behaviors reflect your child’s natural disposition, think about their tendencies that show consistency across time and across situations. For example, many children get grumpy when they are tired or hungry, but if your child consistently seems to get very upset over seemingly minor things — at home, at school, when you’re running errands — and has been this way since they were little, it reflects a disposition toward higher emotionality.
2. Children’s genes influence how other people respond to them.
A happy baby is more likely to be held and smiled at than a baby who cries constantly. A sociable toddler is more likely to get attention from teachers and other adults. A child with low self-control may be more likely to elicit frustration or punishment from their parents. Because our children’s genes influence their temperaments, they also impact the way other people respond to them. This creates a developmental cascade whereby each child’s genes impact their environmental experiences, which then further impact the child.
3. Genes influence how kids respond to their environments.
A harsh look from a parent may bring one child to tears but barely register for another child. An encounter with a dog on the street might lead one child to squeal in delight, and another to cower behind their parent’s leg. Kids with different dispositions actually experience the world in different ways. Certain environments can be more or less stressful, or enjoyable, depending on the child’s genetic disposition.
4. Genes influence the environments children seek out.
When our kids are little, they are largely at the mercy of adults as to their daily activities, but their reactions to different environments impact whether we repeat activities or not. If you take your child to a museum and they love looking at the art and you have a fun afternoon together, you’re likely to take your child to more museums. But if your child runs wild around the museum and you spend most of the afternoon disciplining him or her and apologizing to museum staff, then you are less likely to seek out more museum bonding experiences in the future. Through their reactions to certain environments, children indirectly shape the experiences that the adults in their life seek out for them.
As they get older, children directly select environments that match their genetic temperaments: risk-taking children climb to the top of tall trees and jump off the playground equipment. Risk-taking adolescents hang out at concerts and bars. Children who are more anxious or introverted prefer to spend more time at home or in small group activities. Children’s genes influence their development in part by influencing the environments they select.
5. Children’s genetic dispositions can be tuned up or down by parents.
This is perhaps the key piece for parents: Our children’s genes aren’t destiny! They are born with natural dispositions, but we can play a role in how those dispositions unfold. By understanding the way our children’s genes shape their behavior, parents can work with their kids to accentuate their natural strengths, and to avoid potential challenges that come with different dispositions. By understanding the good, and the not-so-good associated with different temperamental styles, and the gene-environment feedback loop described above, we can help guide our children as they grow.
For example, kids who are high on emotionality (whose genes lead them to be quicker to frustration, anger, or fear) actually need different disciplinary strategies to teach them to manage their disposition. But parents frequently mistaken their child’s behavior as “being naughty” rather than originating in their child’s wiring, and respond by implementing consequences in ways that make the behavior worse.
Mismatches between children’s dispositions and their environments are also frequently at the heart of family tension. For example, children differ in levels of extraversion from a very young age. Just as with adults, throwing an introvert into an unfamiliar setting with many new people can be overwhelming. But in children, their still-developing brains don’t have the ability to explain to us (or even to recognize) why they are so upset — they just respond with tears or tantrums. Understanding our children’s temperaments, and the needs of children with different dispositions, helps parents understand the why behind their children’s behavior, allowing them to put practices in place to ease the day-to-day stressors.
You can learn more about your child’s unique genetic nature in my new book, The Child Code: Understanding Your Child’s Unique Nature for Happier, More Effective Parenting.
