Verified by 
Key points
- When assessing a relationship, it's easy to get caught up in the details such as whether your interests, appearances, or backgrounds mesh.
- Instead, when making a major relationship decision, ask yourself the question, "Am I stronger with this person than without the person?"
- A couple can make each other stronger only when they truly understand each other and earnestly want each other to be better people.
- Both partners have to realize that the purpose of any partnership is to have the sum be greater than the parts.
I once asked a friend from college—let's call him Kanye—why he had decided to marry his wife. And Kanye—which, by the way, isn't his real name—didn't respond with a laundry list of attributes. No, he didn't talk about her face, her body, her clothes, her interests, her job, her personality, her laugh, her family, her cultural background, her education, or even her smoothie machine. Instead his reply was simple and straightforward: "I am stronger with her than without her." And in a simple line, he summarized what should help you decide what to do in nearly any relationship. However, my cement-filled brain didn't quite realize it at the time.
My question to Kanye was motivated by my then-indecision over what to do about my significant other; our seemingly serious relationship was in its fifth year. She certainly had a lot of good attributes. We shared many interests and both liked the same kind of food, TV shows, and music.
Not surprisingly, ever since the second year mark, she had brought up the topic of marriage periodically, even joking that she would take a fruit loop as an engagement ring. But I didn't feel ready yet. I still hadn't yet figured out what I wanted in life besides always having access to large amounts of sushi. If my career path were being followed by a GPS system, it would have had to repeatedly say, "recalculating, recalculating" at the time.
Nevertheless, part of me felt obligated to reward my significant other's "loyalty" with an engagement ring. Of course, I now realize that's essentially what the Glenn Gulia character said about the Julia Sullivan character in the movie The Wedding Singer. And, yes, Gulia probably wouldn't have won any "Best Boyfriend" awards. But alas, that's what my inexperienced self was thinking at the time.
Unbeknownst to my significant other, my indecisiveness grew after the conversation with Kanye. At no point in our four-plus years did I feel stronger with her. At best, it was neutral. Yet, the practical side of me wrote off Kanye's answer as too simplistic, too impractical. Shouldn't there be a more complex formula that accounts for the person's different strengths and weaknesses and how much you are willing to compromise? And where did the fact that we both really liked sushi factor in?
Then one day I called a different friend — let's call him Itch — and started with, "I've put together a spreadsheet listing the pros and cons of marrying my significant other." Itch immediately cut me off with, "Dude, just the fact that you put together that spreadsheet tells me the answer. She's not the one." At the time, I basically scratched away what Itch had said. My inclination was to be more "practical." Life wasn't an Ethan Embry-Jennifer Love Hewitt scene where that "you'll know it when you see it stuff" works.
In retrospect, I should have ended that relationship with the "at best neutral" realization rather than wait for the relationship to deteriorate like avocado toast sitting too long on a picnic table. Sure, we were good "activity partners," but, ultimately, she didn't really understand me or what was right for me. Therefore, she wasn't able to make me feel "stronger." I didn't have the self-awareness, experience, or gumption to tell her that more emphatically and understand that our deeper personalities and perspectives on life didn't mesh that well.
Even after that relationship eventually ended, it took me a while to take Kanye's response to heart. In one relationship, I revealed that I wanted to try some writing on the side of my day job. My S.O. and her parents worried that "writers don't make money." Rather than encouraging me to pursue my passions, she had wanted me to remain on a seemingly more secure path. Even after it became clear that our personalities, perspectives, and aspirations really didn't match, I allowed that relationship to drag out longer than it should have,
It was only after going through several "why-do-I-not-want-to-marry-this-person-maybe-I-will-get-more-clarity-if-I-wait" relationships that I finally started absorbing Kanye's response. He had boiled down to a single sentence what you should be looking for in any long-term relationship, whether personal or professional. Whenever you are trying to make a major decision about a relationship like whether to stick with it or get engaged, ask yourself, "are you stronger with that person than without that person?"
Now, this doesn't mean that you should look for someone who "completes you." You aren't a Cuisinart or a Lego set that's missing pieces.
Instead, a couple can make each other stronger only when they truly understand each other and earnestly want each other to "be better"...or perhaps even "be best." Both partners have to realize that the purpose of any partnership is to have the sum be greater than the parts. After all, any other purpose wouldn't make sense in some other team situation like sports, right? Why would you form a football team where you didn't have confidence in or understand your teammates? Similarly, why would you want to be in a potentially lifelong commitment where you don't make each other better, where you didn't want the other person to be as strong as possible?
As you go through yet another Valentine's day, you may be single, you may be in a relationship deciding where it's going, or you may already be in a marriage. Regardless, it can always help to keep asking yourself, "do I feel stronger with this person?" If the answer is "yes," then great. You've got a fabulous foundation. No need to overanalyze things. So what if his or her boots are way too furry? So what if his or her bedazzling habit has gotten way out of control? You can always overcome or at least ignore such minor details.
While a "no" answer doesn't necessarily mean run away as fast as possible, it does suggest some serious, frank conversations as soon as possible. Maybe you can course-correct. Maybe there's some misunderstanding. Maybe the situation is temporary. Either way, you have to make some decisions. Don't just let the situation fester.
And if your answer is "well I'm not with someone right now if you don't count characters on Netflix," look on the bright side. Sure being single can be difficult at times, especially on Valentine's Day. But being with someone who makes you feel weaker would be a whole lot worse.
