How to Deal With Hostile People

No one likes to deal with abrasive people. Not only are they harsh and unpleasant, but they can create so much negativity that it’s hard to restore your internal harmony. Perhaps you have a friend in your larger social circle who seems intent on spoiling every occasion when you all get together. At first, you think that maybe they won’t blow up “this time,” but true to form, they explode at the slightest provocation. As a result, you’re always on guard with them, afraid to set them off by saying the wrong thing, looking at them a certain way, or just by being yourself.

What Is Antagonism?

The personality quality of antagonism comes closest to abrasiveness within the psychological literature. According to a new study by Stony Brook University’s William Calabrese and his colleagues (2023) in conjunction with the Mood and Personality Disorder Research
Program at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mt. Sinai, one way to look at antagonism is as residing at the opposite pole of agreeableness, one of the Five Factor Model’s basic category of traits. While this makes sense, another perspective regards antagonism as more of a pathological quality, lying at the root of several personality disorders (maladaptive and rigid ways of thinking and behaving).

Indeed, if you look back at some of the early literature on the topic, you’ll find that the well-known psychodynamic theorist and clinician Karen Horney identified antagonism as one of three “neurotic” tendencies. The term neurotic has disappeared from current conceptualizations of psychopathology, but it was very much in vogue at the time of her writing. A neurotic tendency, in her framework, reflects disturbances in the ways that people relate to each other. “Moving against” others was the interpersonal quality that incorporates antagonism, as well as narcissism, perfectionism, and arrogant vindictiveness. Not very nice, in other words.

With this idea that antagonism can be part of a set of psychopathological qualities rather than just an ordinary personality trait (the opposite of agreeableness), the research team’s study investigated antagonism in samples already identified as having “personality pathology.” Their clinical sample was composed of nearly equal proportions of men and women, ranged from ages 18 to 65, represented racial-ethnic diversity, and included all major personality disorder diagnoses. Nearly one-quarter had intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that they were indeed at the extreme end of abrasiveness.

Unpacking Antagonism’s Inner Structure

Calabrese et al. administered to their sample of 2,279 participants a variety of standard personality and personality disorder questionnaires, including ratings based on interviews. Scores on these measures were entered into a statistical analysis that allowed the authors to extract the factors that best captured the patterns of scores.

Employing a number of key controls, such as examining a number of alternative models, the authors arrived at a picture of antagonism starting at the bottom up with its basic factors. These break down as follows:

• Antisociality: Criminal acts and deceitfulness
• Anger: Irritability and verbal aggression
• Attention Seeking: Provocative behavior and exaggerated emotions
• Narcissism: Grandiosity
• Hostility: Oppositionality
• Mistrust: Paranoia and suspiciousness

It’s important to note that the factors weren’t completely “clean,” in that there was overlap in some of the scale scores, but the authors were able to refine their analyses to produce those six independent sets of traits.

Thinking now about people you know who you regard as abrasive, how did these six factors either match or not match the qualities you’ve seen them display? What about that friend who turns every interaction into a “moving against” situation? If they check off all the relevant boxes from above, it is possible that they not only are difficult to deal with when you have to interact with them, but that there may be something more serious going on.

Alternatively, when you go through this list, it’s possible that this individual actually stands out on just one or two of the factors. They’re irritable and oppositional, but you don’t see any evidence of antisociality or mistrust. Knowing that abrasive people have multiple dimensions can help you see them in a more complex light rather than just being “a pain.”

Turning the Corner on Antagonism

All of this begs the question of whether anything can be done to soften the rough edges of the abrasive individual’s personality. If antagonism is a baked-in trait that, at its extreme, puts an individual at risk for a diagnosable disorder, what might bring about a pathway to change?

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The study’s authors themselves regarded their work as primarily oriented toward diagnosis and classification, particularly in their finding that anger and hostility lie on separate dimensions. This can be useful for future researchers; as they conclude, their model “holds particular relevance to the classification of personality pathology, which is at the ‘vanguard’ of psychopathology research." It seems that everyone in the field is hoping that personality disorders will eventually be diagnosed according to dimensions rather than categories.

From a practical standpoint, in the meantime, you can go back to the understanding of “neurosis” by Horney in thinking about how to bring about positive changes in the people who make your life so unpleasant. Why do they feel the need to oppose everyone and start arguments?

According to Horney, this is because they learned, early in life, that the world was not a very trustworthy place, and that the people taking care of them specifically either abused or neglected them. You can’t rewrite their childhoods, and you may have no particular interest in doing so, either. However, to make your life easier in your dealings with them, you can do exactly the opposite of what they expect you to do. Instead of returning their rage, see what positive gems you can extract from your interactions. It almost certainly will surprise them to see you remain steady and calm.

You might also decide that the whole enterprise really isn’t worth it, and that rather than change them, you need to change yourself. Why does such a person bother you so much? Can’t you get your own social support from people who don’t make you feel so bad? Reflecting on what it is that makes you become so preoccupied with someone who causes you to feel inferior can become a helpful step toward your own personal growth.

To sum up, abrasive people may have their own inner demons that cause them to lash out at everyone. You can still find your own path to fulfillment, despite the apparent obstacles they put in your way.

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