Why Do We Feel the Need to Be "Good Girls"?

Growing up, were you encouraged to be a "good girl"? Do you find yourself, even as an adult, still struggling to meet this impossible set of expectations? Where do these beliefs come from, and why are they so hard to free ourselves of?

“Even though we often don’t want to subscribe or comply with society’s ‘good girl’ expectations, they are within us,” Elise Loehnen, author of On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good, explained on my podcast. “We have to be able to recognize when these beliefs are driving our behavior and pull them out.”

For example, Loehnen noted there is a punch card of goodness for women that turns our normal human desires into societal "sins" to be avoided. Designed to control our behavior, they include:

• Sloth: avoided by working hard and performing perfectly.
• Envy: avoided by being content with what we have and never complaining.
• Pride: avoided by staying humble and not intimidating others with our confidence.
• Anger: avoided by silencing our uncomfortable emotions and keeping the peace.
• Greed: avoided by never being selfish and always ready to give.
• Gluttony: avoided by keeping ourselves as small as possible.
• Lust: avoided by being warm and welcoming but never overtly sexual.

Why do so many of us subscribe to these expectations, even when we don’t agree with them?

Loehnen explained that while we like to think that we are entirely self-made and that we get to choose who we are and what we believe, we tend to have less self-authorship than we might hope. Our shared need to belong and feel loved leaves us highly susceptible to cultural conditioning.

“We need to weed through this cultural programming to discover what we actually want,” Loehnen said. “Rather than judging ourselves or others for these desires, if we can pay attention to what our bodies and souls are trying to tell us and figure out why this matters to us in these moments, these feelings can provide a really healthy and constructive way to get much closer to ourselves.”

For example, rather than feeling repulsed by our feelings of envy or being hostile toward others, if we can pay attention to the causes, we learn more about our own wants. By accepting envy as a normal and healthy experience, we give ourselves permission to hope and open the doors to new possibilities. After all, if someone else has it, maybe you can too.

Likewise, rather than repressing our feelings of anger and simmering with resentment, if we can pay attention to its causes, we can identify our unmet needs. By accepting that anger is a normal and healthy experience, we give ourselves permission to ask for what we need and set healthy boundaries. Healthy anger provokes change and helps us to establish new ways of being in the world through grace and peace.

“While it can feel terrifying to choose not to conform to society’s expectations,” explained Loehnen, "the paradox is that it's much safer to be true to who you really, rather than who others think you should be.”

A version of this post also appears on Substack. For more tips and tools on weeding out your ‘good girl’ beliefs, listen to the full podcast.