Intimate Violence Undermines Trust in Oneself

Intimate violence – such as sexual assault and domestic violence – can have far-ranging health, educational, economic, legal, and social consequences for survivors.

What can get lost amidst long lists of consequences, though, is the way that intimate violence can change something very fundamental: How people see themselves and the world.

On my research team, we’ve talked with hundreds of women who have survived intimate violence perpetrated by people they knew, loved, and depended upon. The dynamics of such betrayal traumas – along with common myths about intimate violence – can result in survivors blaming themselves, feeling shame about what was done to them, and feeling profoundly disconnected from themselves and others.

For example, abusive partners use tactics from gaslighting to DAVRO – the term coined by Jennifer Freyd to refer to deny, attack, reverse victim offender. These kinds of abusive tactics, by design, chip away at a person’s sense of self and make it difficult to trust one’s own perceptions of the world. The situation can be worsened if survivors disclose abuse and are met with disbelief, blame, or other negative social reactions.

Understanding the impact that intimate violence can have on survivors’ beliefs about themselves and the world can help us respond in more helpful (and less harmful) ways when people disclose victimization.

For example, each of us can encourage survivors to trust their own perceptions and judgments, and reinforce that they are the ones who get to decide what they do and do not want to do on their path to healing. I was thinking about this recently when a reporter called who was working on a story that involved an abuser reaching out repeatedly to a victim under the guise of trying to apologize. But here’s the thing: The victim didn’t want to hear from the abuser. In my research, I’ve heard many stories like this, reflecting the intense pressure survivors can feel to engage with abusers even when they don’t want to. And that’s where trusting oneself can be so important – in this case, trusting oneself to know what is needed in terms of one’s own boundaries and healing.

As friends and loved ones, we can play an important role in encouraging and supporting survivors to listen to themselves about what they want and need on the path to healing.

Of course, we can take other actions too, such as providing practical support to survivors and advocating for social change to prevent intimate violence in the first place.

And that’s where it’s important that we each believe in ourselves too – in particular, our ability to work together for change. After all, it’s a perfect time to think about the role that we can each play in advocating for effective prevention and interventions for intimate violence because we’re on the cusp of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. What actions will you take to build a world without intimate violence?