Family Estrangement: Undue Influence Is Often a Factor

Family estrangement is common, and it leads to significant emotional distress. As an expert in all forms of unethical influence, including cults, I frequently hear from families in which a loved one has cut off ties after undergoing a radical personality change due to exposure to malignant narcissists, predators, and authoritarian cults. One of the first steps employed by those exerting undue influence on another—whether by a destructive group, an unethical therapist, or an abusive partner—is to convince the victim to cut off contact with all other support systems.

The role of undue influence in family estrangement is often overlooked. Even a recent article in The New York Times, "Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?" missed its critical role, although it acknowledges the emotional pain of estrangement and the value of therapy for those who have been inexplicably cut off.

I know about cut-offs from personal experience as well. I was once a member of the Moonies. Early into my own cult involvement, I was taught to think of my family as Satanic and to limit contact with them as much as possible. Under the direction of my Moonie “family,” I came to believe I had a terrible childhood and had a physically abusive father, which I did not. It wasn't until after my deprogramming that I got to hear from family friends, who reassured me that I was a lucky kid.

Many survivors of undue influence are torn away from their families and friends by predatory people and systems, who then use the resulting lack of social support to isolate their victims: if a person has no one else to turn to, that person will be under the complete control of the abusive partner, unethical therapist, or cult leader.

Sudden decisions to cut off all family and friends—especially at the direction of a third party—can indicate psychological manipulation. Being told that the root cause of your problems is your family by an authority figure who claims such knowledge is a form of abuse.

A surefire way to cut a person off from their family is through the problematic "recovered memory" approach, which typically uses techniques such as hypnosis to uncover hidden memories of sexual abuse. Even in the absence of nefarious intentions, hypnosis in the hands of untrained or insufficiently trained clinicians can harm clients. When a therapist does not follow ethical guidelines, Iatrogenic harm can result.

Therapeutic practices like hypnosis and recovered memory techniques are risky and are subject to the unethical use of suggestion. In his book Suggestions of Abuse, psychologist Michael Yapko highlights the dangers of suggestive therapy, through which individuals may falsely recall abuse, leading to wrongful accusations and family estrangement. Years later, many people have come to realize they had false memories of abuse and that they caused tremendous harm by falsely accusing others.

Of course, sexual abuse is real. Most people who are abused remember the abuse, although there are cases in which the abused person experiences dissociation and the person does not remember traumatic abuse.

“Memories” that have been recovered through the “help” of an improperly trained therapist—or worse, the leadership of a pseudo-therapy or spiritual group—is another thing. When a member of a destructive group has been falsely convinced that they experienced a childhood of abuse, the bond to the group becomes ironclad.

The cutting off of siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even childhood friends, as well as parents, should serve as a big red flag that undue influence is being exerted. I have developed an APA Continuing Education (CE) course to help clinicians acquire the knowledge to address such issues.

To all who have cut off family and friends: I encourage you to do some honest self-reflection and reality-testing. Was the estrangement your idea to protect yourself, or was it at the suggestion of someone else with a possible motive to remove you from your traditional support structures?

I have found that love is stronger than mind control, and if you think you might have been unduly influenced and are willing to apologize, there is a way home. A good therapist who knows about undue influence can help facilitate reconnection.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.