Bad Decision? Maybe Not

Years ago, a client, I’ll call Jaden, sought therapy with me after taking a medical leave from work for stress disability. Jaden relayed a string of unfortunate events that unfolded within a few months. First, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, forcing them to postpone starting a family. An avid triathlete, he then broke his shoulder in a biking accident. While recovering from surgery, he was laid off from his engineering job.

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Jaden berated himself for accepting the job. “I knew these people would be a nightmare to work for, but I took the job anyway. How could I be so stupid,” he said. He also regretted cycling and getting injured while his wife was recovering from cancer surgery. He blamed himself for the current situation and all the decisions that led him to this point.

Can You Ever Know the Right Decision?

Like many, Jaden categorizes decisions into binary categories: good and bad or right and wrong. Right decisions lead to good outcomes, and wrong choices lead to bad outcomes. We often mistakenly believe that we can know the result of our choices in advance.

When we get all the correct information and do our research, we assume we can choose the best doctor, buy the right car, or pick the right college major. Often, we blame ourselves for not gathering enough information. Yet research shows that more information doesn’t help us make better decisions (Zheng, M. et al. 2020). New information is always interpreted from the perspective of past knowledge and biases.

For example, if you are newly diagnosed with diabetes, new information from a diabetes specialist will help you make better decisions about your health. If you already manage diabetes well, new information can be confusing and lead to poor choices (Zheng, et al. 2020).

Lamenting the Road Not Taken

Regrets about decisions often stem from the erroneous assumption that the road not taken would have been better. Jaden tormented himself with the idea that things would have been better had he waited to find a better job. “If I hadn’t taken this job, I would not have this crazy anxiety. I need to be strong for my wife. I should have done more research,” he said.

We can torment ourselves needlessly by imagining a better life had we married a different person, chosen a different career, or picked a better doctor. There is no guarantee that a different decision would have produced a better outcome. Other choices might have proved to be worse than the path we chose. We can never know.

Instead of Trying to Make the Right Decision, Make the Decision Right

Emotions play an influential role in decision-making and how we interpret the quality of our decisions. We feel happy when our decisions lead to pleasing outcomes and feel disappointment or sorrow when our choices result in something unpleasant. We compare what is to what might have been and make ourselves miserable (Marcatto, et al. 2008).

Famed Harvard psychology professor Dr. Ellen Langer says if you want to make the right decision, decide to make your decision right. Instead of regretting your decision, focus on how to help yourself cope better with your current feelings. We can’t turn back time, but we can aim our attention differently in the future (Langer, E. 2023).

Here's how this worked with Jaden. I asked Jaden why he took the job with the toxic employer. “My wife and I were so stressed about her cancer and health insurance. This employer offered insurance without a lapse in coverage. I didn’t want my wife to worry about how we would pay for her treatment,” he said.

“So, you decided that your wife’s peace of mind about the insurance was more important than your current job satisfaction,” I asked.

“Yes. It was the most important thing at that time,” he replied.

“Can you then accept that taking that job was exactly the right thing to do at that time, based on the information available?” I asked.

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“Yes, but now I’m stressing my wife out because she’s worried about me,” he said.

“So now your health requires attention. Now you can make a new decision. Can you acknowledge that taking the job made sense for your family and you did not make a stupid decision?” I asked.

“Yes. I guess I’ve been brutal with myself. I wanted to be stronger for my wife,” he said.

“But you were strong for your wife. You took care of the pressing need. Now, you are being strong for yourself. You sought medical treatment and mental health help. You’ve been looking for jobs and functioning well even under severe distress. That sounds like strength to me.” I said.

How to Make the Decision Right

If you feel full of regret for a decision you made, try focusing on changing how you feel about the decision. Here’s how:

1. Find the benefit: Jaden saw the benefit in providing health insurance for his wife despite sacrificing his serenity. He also acknowledged that this pain drove him to learn better coping skills.
2. Find the lesson: Jaden learned a valuable lesson. There were limits to how much stress he could endure. He needed to care not only for his wife but also for himself.
3. Aim towards the future: Jaden stopped blaming himself for past decisions. Instead, he focused on future goals while using new stress management tools. With improved coping skills (daily meditation and reframing), he was able to find a better job (Schneider, 2022).

Stop framing the problem within the good/bad binary if you regret past decisions. Instead, find the benefit in your current situation. Ask yourself what you have learned. Aim your attention to the future. Bob Dylan writes, “Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain.” Take your pain and regret and make something beautiful out of it. Jaden and his wife eventually made a lovely family.