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Key points
- Parents often feel judged by other parents, which can lead to stress and potential isolation.
- Parents who have a child with a disability disproportionately receive judgments from other people or parents.
- Increasing our own empathy and support for other parents helps foster community and improves mental health.
By Suzanne Allen, Psy.D.
A year ago, my family drove eight hours to Quebec to attend a winter festival. It was a beautifully planned trip, except for the timing of it—we arrived in Quebec as the major arctic freeze hit, bringing the temperature of the city to -48 degrees Celsius with windchill.
What ensued was a weekend full of cancellations (including much of the festival itself) and little to do. By the end of the first day, we had accomplished one new experience: ordering from McDonald's in French. Was it worth an eight-hour drive for that experience? My kids didn’t think so.
With another day of below-freezing temperatures and possible cancellations on the horizon, the mood was low and the irritability was high. My husband suggested that we allow the kids to bring devices to dinner to give me an hour of respite from my ongoing efforts to entertain everyone.
While I genuinely believed this to be a reasonable and even helpful idea, I was immediately seized with fear. What would the other patrons of the restaurant think when they saw my children on their devices in a restaurant? What kind of mother or parent would they believe me to be? Could I sit and tolerate the perceived judgments of the other patrons and enjoy my glass of wine and poutine?
The answer, ultimately, was not really. While I reminded myself that we were 491 miles from home and that this was my wise-mind decision, I couldn’t help but feel uptight and wonder what we looked like to the other patrons.
The unfortunate truth is that someone in the restaurant may have judged me. But even if not, my own fear of judgment created as much stress as if someone had openly shamed me.
In a 2021 Ipsos survey across 28 nations, American parents reported the highest percentages of perceived judgments regarding how they manage their children’s behavior and how much time their children spend looking at screens and using technology. This parent-to-parent judgment may have worsened as a result of the pandemic, when we lived for so long in fear; we reshaped our vantage point to not only be hypervigilant about our own behavior but the behavior of others, too, lest they bring risk or harm to us.
Parents who have a child with a disability disproportionately receive the judgments of other people or parents. Often this occurs because many neurodivergent differences or mental health disorders are “invisible” to others and what is viewed as “bad behavior” or “poor parenting” is actually a behavioral manifestation of ADHD, anxiety, OCD, or depression. Add to this problem that parents who have a child with significant needs for support are working incredibly hard and may not always reap the benefits of an easy relationship with their child or have a supportive and accepting community of other parents or family members.
The irony is that in recent years, there has been an incredible surge (and a positive one) in school-related programs to support empathy, kindness, and acceptance. The number of books, parenting articles, and courses to help support parents in teaching their children to be kind is abundant.
But what about a course for us as parents to be kind to each other? If we did a better job of doing this ourselves, would we just as effectively teach empathy and acceptance to our children and create healthier communities for all parents and kids?
What Parents Can Do to Be Kinder to Each Other
How can we increase our empathy internally and act in ways that are non-judgmental to others, including other parents? I suggest the following.
First, let’s get good at recognizing those judgments towards other parents. Throughout your day, try to catch all those snarky thoughts that you have about other’s appearances, choices, etc. You may be surprised how many judgments pop into your head during the day! This does not make you a bad person; we are wired to notice differences in others and our surroundings.
Next, make a firm decision to stop accepting those thoughts as the truth. We can’t control the judgment from arriving in our consciousness, but we can choose to stop acting upon it, remarking upon it, or sharing it with others (including our kids). Let’s be better than this.
When you catch yourself judging another person—whether it is related to their hair, clothing choice, or parenting behavior—ask yourself a few questions: Do I know what this person is dealing with? Do I know enough about this person or their child to understand this situation fully? Why do I feel so strongly about this—what might this be saying about me or my fears or concerns?
Repeat “We are all doing the best we can.” Could some people do a little better? Possibly. But they likely won’t if you shame and isolate them. Shame won’t create change and in fact, it may have the opposite effect. Alternatively, positive connection and support could make a difference or help to create some understanding.
Take the time to understand someone else’s child before making a judgment. If that is not an option because you are in the airport or a grocery store and you can’t possibly get to know them, then keep your opinions and facial expressions to yourself. You don’t have all the data.
If you do have the opportunity to get to know a parent with a child or teen who seems to be struggling in some way, try and make an effort to find a positive thing to say about that child to their parent. You have the opportunity to give another parent an incredible gift: to see their child in a multifaceted way and not just in terms of a certain behavior. You might just find that when you look for the positive attributes in another person’s child or teen, you can find them in abundance.
And if this is a struggle, then try empathy. It might not be easy to be that child or teen or to be their parent.
