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Motivation
Are You a Builder or a Discoverer of Your Life?
Having different approaches to life can cause problems. Here's how to navigate.
Posted July 27, 2024 Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Key points
- One way of thinking about your life is whether you see yourself as a builder or discoverer.
- Builders tend to focus on planning to achieve goals; discoverers see their lives as an unfolding journey.
- Each style brings its own strengths and weaknesses to a relationship, requiring honesty and compromise.
Simone is a builder, not of houses, but of her approach to life. In her mind, she has roughly 40 good years to accomplish what she wants to get done: creating a successful business, making VP in the field she’s working in, or having three kids. So, she hits the ground running, maps out career moves, and strategizes timelines for having children.
Matt’s approach to life is different. He switched majors in college and changed jobs when they were unsatisfying or when he felt he had outgrown them; he seeks variety when he gets bored. While Simone marches ahead, he often lingers but then pushes ahead on something he’s passionate about or that catches his interest. He’d like to have kids, but it's OK if he doesn’t. Life for him is to be discovered, not built.
Builders vs. Discoverers
Builders can seem driven; their one life is to be created. They are clear about goals, timelines, and strategies. And even if those goals change, their approach doesn’t: They continue to march forward toward a different destination.
Discoverers, on the other hand, are stereotypically less driven, more laid back, more the dreamers, curious about what’s around the corner. Life is created by the journey.
When Builders and Discoverers Become a Couple
We’re all aware of the power of the complementary in intimate relationships: Introverts hook up with extroverts, savers marry spenders, and the logical brain pairs with the emotional brain. There’s an attraction; the person is excitingly different from us, and they open us up to a new world and way of living life that provides, on some level, what we’ve been missing.
But what happens when builders or discoverers come together? There are three possible combinations. Here are the pros and cons of each:
Builder/Builder
Pros: Simone and her partner start a business together, they agree to have three kids, or Simone supports her partner when she wants to go to law school, and her partner does the same when Simone wants to move for a job promotion. This can work out well if they are on the same page regarding goals and can support each other.
Cons: If they are both focused on their own goals or have different priorities—where to live for a career, schools for kids, or whose career is more important—they at best live parallel lives, pass in the night, or have little time for connection. At worst, they're battling or resentful.
Discoverer/Discoverer
Pros: Like Simone, if Matt and his partner have the same flexibility and openness and are willing to take each other’s lead, they can create an adventurous life together.
Cons: If they can’t agree on priorities, they face the same resentments or battles that Simone faces. If they are too laid back and struggle to be assertive, their lives can seem adrift rather than an adventure; they may look back at some point and feel that their lives lacked traction. If they have children, their lifestyle may be too unstructured or too chaotic to provide the structure the children need to feel secure.
Builder/Discoverer: Simone and Matt as a Couple
Pros: If Matt and Simone have the same overall goals and can appreciate and support each other’s styles, their complementarity can rub off on each other, allowing each to grow. Simone supports Matt when he wants to change jobs but helps him define his desires; Matt’s ability to experiment takes the edge off of Simone’s drivenness. The builders can continue to build but learn to take time to lay back; the discoverers can learn how to push ahead even when they don’t feel like it.
Cons: Simone feels she is doing the heavy lifting to move the relationship or family forward. Matt feels criticized, and though his style is to let things go, periodically, he gets resentful and blows up. He sees Simone as a workaholic who doesn’t like the lifestyle they’ve created. Matt says, relax, Simone says she can’t because she has too much on her plate.
What to Fix
If you’re arguing and struggling over priorities and needs, or there’s a lack of connection, it's time to take stock:
- Address each other’s concerns. Simone wants Matt to help out more or support her in moving forward in her career; Matt wants Simone to be less critical or make room for more couple time. The danger here is confusing means and ends: You argue about whose reality is right—who is doing what—or complain about other's style and why they should be more like you. Instead, focus on the end—solving each other’s valid concerns.
- Create win-win compromises. The challenge is for each to emotionally and behaviorally meet in the middle—Matt being sensitive to Simone’s need for clarity, Simone being accepting of Matt’s slower pace—without both being resentful. And then, they need to build on their shared values and visions and find ways to support each other’s goals.
Being a couple means you are committed to working together to help you both create the life you want. The challenge is not changing the other to be more like you but appreciating your differences, seeing them as a strength, and solving concrete problems that block your paths to fulfillment as individuals, a couple, and a family.
