5 Steps to Heal Your Relationship and Past at the Same Time

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I routinely talk with my clients about how wounds from our past bleed into our intimate relationships. The most common wounds are from feeling criticized, micromanaged, neglected, not appreciated, dismissed, or not heard–all based on how your parents treated you as a child–and everyone has one or two of these that you are particularly sensitive to. As a child, your only ways of coping were to get angry, withdraw, or get good, (i.e., accommodate), walk on eggshells, and keep your parents happy.

What inevitably happens in intimate relationships is that your partner, at some point, triggers these old wounds–makes some quick remark that leaves you feeling criticized, etc. When this happens, you do what you did when you were young–withdraw, get angry; essentially, you’re feeling and acting like a little kid.

What typically happens next, and where couples get into trouble, is that your reaction triggers your partner’s wounds: You feel neglected and withdraw; they feel not appreciated and get angry; you withdraw more; they get angrier, and around and around it goes. Both are feeling hurt; both are feeling vulnerable and like little kids.

Many couples I see who are on the edge of divorce say they are sick and tired of constantly feeling criticized, neglected, etc., and they want out. Unfortunately, if they do get divorced and remarry, there’s a good chance that they’ll start the process all over again.

Obviously, those unhealed wounds of the past are the culprit in all this; the constant re-wounding creates resentment and gets in the way of solving current problems. This is where a psychodynamic therapist might step in and say that you need to explore these past injustices to heal them, so they don’t continue to fuel your present problems.

But another approach is to start with the present and focus on breaking the circular pattern. Because your past and present are always connected, if you change and heal your present and stop the re-wounding, your past, like a sore no longer picked at, will heal as well.

It’s a five-step process. Here’s how it breaks down:

Step 1. Say what you couldn’t say to your parents.

When you were six years old, you couldn’t ask your parents to stop criticizing or give you more appreciation or attention, but now you can with your partner. The key is to have a clear message: Avoid the temptation to get into the weeds of details–about what they said yesterday or didn’t do last week; instead, talk about the wounds, and let your partner know what triggers you: “I’m sensitive to feeling dismissed; when I talk about a problem, just listen rather than jumping in and telling me it’s nothing to worry about.” Then ask them to tell you what bothers and triggers them.

Step 2. Cut a deal.

With this information in place, it’s time to start breaking the cycle: I’ll try not to step on your wounds, and you try not to step on mine. This is not about biting your tongue or giving in but being more sensitive about how you sound, intentionally appreciating what the other is doing, and being more responsive. Resist the urge to argue about whose wounds are bigger and more important. Just put your heads down and do what the other asks without keeping score.

Step 3. Be adult.

These first two steps help you not get triggered, but the other half of the equation breaks the pattern when you do. Here, you want to deliberately work on changing your reaction, move out of that automatic little-kid emotional reaction and instead get into your grown-up, adult brain.

Generally, this means doing the opposite of what you tend to do. If you tend to withdraw, step up and speak up. If you tend to get on your best behavior, don’t automatically accommodate, but be assertive and practice learning to tolerate others’ negative reactions. If you get angry, practice calming down but using your anger as information to let others know what you need. This is about rewiring your brain and not going on autopilot.

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Step 4. Take baby steps.

Step 3 isn’t going to happen overnight. It’s hard to think on your feet and not go on autopilot when triggered; that’s fine. But if you do overreact at 11:00 on a Tuesday night, mop up on Wednesday and apologize or be assertive and have an adult, problem-solving conversation. If it takes three days to figure out how you feel about x, that’s fine, but speak up and talk about it. There’s no time pressure, no right way to do this. What’s important is going against your grain, getting out of your emotional brain, and more into your rational brain. By changing your thinking and behavior, you feel less like the little kid always driven by your anxiety.

Step 5. Focus on yourself.

While this is about your relationship, ultimately, it is also about you–healing your past and shaking those little-kid feelings, running your life and relationships better, and no longer carrying that old emotional baggage that’s been pulling you down. Again, work your side of the equation; don’t keep score.

By getting what you need now but didn’t get back then, you begin to fill those emotional potholes so that you don’t keep falling into them. By speaking up and saying what you need and responding with more power and clarity, you begin to feel and see yourself as the adult you are. All these changes alter your view of yourself and the world–that you are more powerful and less vulnerable than you sometimes feel and that the world and others are not quite as scary as you thought.

Ready to step up?