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Key points
- Breakups are often difficult even if they seem to be mutual.
- The key is owning your problem rather than blaming them. Focus on the overall landscape rather than getting lost in details.
- Be compassionate but clear about next steps, contacts, and the state of the relationship. Give the other person room to say what they want.
Unless it’s been just a couple of dates (and sometimes not even then), breakups are always difficult. Even in the best circumstances, when breaking up feels mutual and expected, there’s usually some imbalance: One partner is more motivated to get out or stay than the other.
There are a lot of ways breakups can go badly. Here are some suggestions for doing it right.
Before
You want to plan this out in advance: No impulsive confessions or rants after a long night of partying, no dropping the bomb in the car after a great day together. Instead, you want to be deliberate.
Map out what you want to say; own your problem. Your tendency may be to run through your text messages and memories of all the times your partner didn't do what you expected or hurt your feelings; you make a case founded on blame. But this is about you: You're initiating this; you're the unhappy camper. Think about your core problem, and skip the 30 examples of how they made you feel badly, or the laundry list of what they did or didn’t do. Keep it short, clear, and cut to the chase.
Be honest about life after and the next steps. What does life after a breakup look like? Do you want to be friends or not? Do you need to work out logistics about housing or getting your stuff, or how to work together to recreate their new life if you have kids? The key is to be honest about what you want and what you’d like life to look like after. Don’t water down what you want, and focus on some artificial stepdown that you’re not committed to just to soften the blow.
Anticipate their reaction. Knowing them, how are they likely to react? Surprised and emotional? Not surprised, but still emotional? Not emotional? Something more dramatic? Knowing what you might expect helps you with the next steps.
Give them a heads-up. Sometimes saying you have something you want to talk about when you get together on Saturday helps your partner anticipate what might be coming, so they’re not sidewinded. It gives them time to brace themselves and sort through their feelings and thoughts. Doing this too far in advance, though, sends their anxiety through the roof, and creates additional pain. Generally, a couple of hours to a couple of days notice is fine. Knowing the person, decide what might be best.
Medium, Timing, Place
No text, no voice mail, and no ghosting: All these will be seen as being a coward—avoiding your awkwardness while inflicting maximum pain. The phone/Zoom might be okay if you're long-distance; otherwise, step up and meet in person. Consider place and timing: Again, no dropping the bomb after a great night; that's too confusing. No sitting in a car: There's nowhere to go, and it's a pressure cooker of emotions. Don't do it at 11 pm on a Tuesday when you’ve been drinking or worn out, and everyone is stressed and tired. And don't do it over dinner at a fancy restaurant, which feels like a manipulative setup. And if you are in couples counseling and want to use a session to disclose this, give your counselor a heads up.
Dropping the Ax
This is one of those conversations in which the emotion is on the front burner, not the content. You’re clear about what you want to say; you have some idea of what might unfold. Great. Your goal is to remain calm and be compassionate with someone who may be hurting. This is not about you.
Say what you want to say. Don’t beat around the bush with small talk. Be clear that it’s about you and your emotions. Help them understand where you’re coming from and how you got to this point—the evolution of your decision—but again, be concise and avoid getting into details: You did this, and I felt that. This only quickly devolves into an argument over whose reality is right.
Stop and listen. Let this sink in. Your partner will likely press for details. They are trying to connect the dots and make sense of what is happening. Give them room to ask questions but don't get into defending particulars; they are trying to change your mind by changing the facts. Go back to your opening statements; keep your sentences short and clear. If they get too emotional, remain quiet, and let them vent. If it gets out-of-hand, say you need to stop because you realize that you’re getting upset and need to cool off, but you will circle back later. Don't say you will not talk about this anymore because they are being too emotional.
Talk about practical matters in a separate conversation. This is not the time to talk about being friends, clearing out your stuff, etc.
Let them know they can set the pace and next step. Acknowledge that this is not easy and that you’re willing to talk more, but it is up to them to let you know when they are ready. They need space and a sense of control in a situation that feels out of control.
After
This is about mopping up. Your partner may want to talk more or not. Reach out, check in, offer to talk, propose next steps, but follow their lead. You want to be as open as possible, but you also need to take care of yourself; decide how much contact you are willing to handle and what you're willing to do or not do. Don't become a victim out of guilt.
This is about change and grief, and about being clear. It's more about emotions and less about facts. It's difficult, yes, but with planning and compassion, you both can move through it.
