How Best to Play With Your Kids

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For several decades in my clinical practice, I did play therapy with children of all ages, from toddlers to teens. Unlike most play for adults, play for children is naturally therapeutic, making play therapy the ideal medium for treatment. And while play therapy requires specific training, by tweaking the way you play with your children, you, as a parent, can make play enjoyable and enhance the emotional benefits that the play can provide. Because there are different forms of play, here are some tips for each type to help you get started:

Physical play

Here we're talking about playing catch, soccer, shooting hoops, wrestling on the floor, playing frisbee, hiking in the woods, or for younger children, going with them to the neighborhood playground. The challenge here is to either leave your child alone—stop yelling at them to be careful on the monkey bars or constantly lecturing them about how to dribble the basketball—or to be quiet unless they ask for your help in doing a layup or goal kick. If you feel the need to do something constructive, try encouraging your child to step outside their comfort zone—kicking the ball or frisbee from further away; crossing the creek even though they are nervous about doing so; trying out the bigger slide at the playground. Such risk-taking increases their self-esteem, as do high fives all around regardless of how their attempt turns out. If you're doing some type of wrestling, agree on rules—safe corners, calling a halt—but then make sure you let them pin you down and win. This is about providing another jolt of self-esteem and a sense of empowerment—besting your parent for a change—a good counter to a world where children often feel unempowered.

Board games

Apart from the decision-making and strategic planning most board games offer, they are also play-worlds based on following rules, adapting to chance, and coping with frustration and disappointment. The child who finds she isn't allowed to cheat by re-rolling the dice is learning to live within limits and structure, just as the child who loses all her Monopoly money after landing on Park Place learns to deal with disappointment, frustration, loss. Your task is to uphold the structure while helping them move through the emotions—"I know you're upset, but those are the rules," or "I know you're upset—do you want me to give you a hug?" These are small lessons in dealing with everyday reality and managing emotions.

Legos, video games

The structure of board games limits a child's experience. Manipulative activities, like Legos, or interactive games, like video games, provide more opportunities for creativity, problem-solving, and quick decision-making. What most parents instinctively do is either take charge at the start—“Let's build a plane!”—or step in with suggestions too quickly— “Okay, you dropped down a level, this is what you need to do.” Don’t do this. Don't over-manage; instead, guide. Ask your daughter what she wants to make with her Legos, help your son think through his options when he drops down a level. Emotionally support and guide them when they get frustrated and help them push their desire to quit or cheat.

Imaginative play

This is the stuff that therapists love—sand trays and pictures and made-up stories. This is play at its most therapeutic level, where children are often working through anxiety-provoking situations, fears, challenging problems. Stay out of the child's way, do what they want to do. Again, don't kill the experience by taking over.

What you can do instead is deepen the conversation by asking questions about motivation and feelings: "This is great. So, why is the gorilla over there by himself?" or, "All the rabbit’s friends ran away, I wonder how he feels." Resist the urge to inject your interpretations—"I bet the gorilla feels lonely" or, "The rabbit is sad." Conform to your child's world and show curiosity. These deeper conversations not only give you a view into your child's thinking and emotions, but the simple act of her describing what she is doing to an adult without input or judgment is both empowering and often healing.

All that being said, there are, in fact, opportunities for you to have constructive input. Richard Gardner, a well-known child therapist, had children make up stories that he would record. Often the stories had troubling endings—the baby deer gets lost, the children can't find their way home and are afraid. He would then re-tell the child's story with the same script but change the ending—the baby deer keeps moving and eventually finds his mother; the children cry out for help, and the kindly woodman comes to their rescue. Just as good children's storybooks do, by staying in the story's imagery but changing the ending, you imbed an important lesson—being brave despite your fear or the ability to ask for help and trust others.

So, if your son, for example, is always playing out being helplessly attacked by monsters, you can challenge him to change the pattern by stepping up and being more assertive—"Why don't you tell them to leave you alone!" or, “It looks like you might need to get some help.” Stay within the imaginative storyline but provide and encourage your child to approach fears and problems.

Playing with your children is most importantly about connecting by spending quality time together—make that the goal. But if you want to make play more playful for your child, find opportunities to challenge them and, most of all, stay out of their way.