Want to Stop Arguing? Start by Stopping Yourself

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Jake and Amy got into it again. This time it was about chores around the house—who was doing more, who wasn’t feeling appreciated—but it could have just as easily been about money or sex or bedtimes for the kids. They both ramp up, stacking up evidence to make their case, dragging in the past, maybe getting ugly with name-calling. Finally, one of them storms off, and most often the other guy ramps up even more chasing them down the hallway, the driveway.

A familiar pattern. When I ask a complaining Jake or Amy who is coming to see me about why they think they get into these blow-ups, they usually say they don’t know or automatically blame the other guy. "He makes some snappy comments that push my buttons." "She cops this condescending attitude or gives me this look that she knows I hate." "He starts bringing up the past." "She tells me to calm but she's yelling."

I get it. But my internal response, if they want to stop the arguments, is... I understand but too bad.

The anatomy of arguments

The understanding part of my response is that yes, arguments do run on their own power. The "too-bad" part is that however much you think the other guy is the cause, stopping arguments isn't about changing the other guy but starting by changing you.

Here’s what happens in an argument:

Your rational brain shuts down

As soon as you get emotional the topic that you are talking about—the money, chores, kids—is no longer on the table. The problem right now in the room is the emotion itself. It is like a fire that is starting to get out of control. You need to put out the fire.

Easier said than done. What happens in your brain is that your amygdala, your emotional center, takes over and the first thing it does is send chemicals to your prefrontal lobes, your rational brain, that shuts it down. Now neither one of you has a rational brain.

You get tunnel vision

You now get emotional and without a rational brain, you tend to get tunnel vision—d*mn it, you want to get the other guy to understand what you are saying. This is where you both start stacking up evidence to make your case: "Oh yeah, but I got the text right here!" "But my mother said…!" "But remember Christmas 2018?" "You want to talk about Christmas? Bring it on!"

You are both upset. You are going down a rabbit hole and no one can process anything the other guy is saying. Actually, anything you say at this point is like throwing gasoline on a fire. This is where you say stupid stuff that causes real wounds (and becomes fuel for future arguments).

Now the arguments will deteriorate to the point where you're both ramping up, possibly getting physical.

Someone tries to stop, and it gets worse

"I’m out of here," says Jake or Amy. Now the other guy feels cut off and anxious: "Get back here, don’t you cut me off!" And then they chase you down the hallway or driveway or say something even more hurtful. Why? Because you've broken the pattern; they get anxious and their instincts are to pull you back into the fight; or it stirs up abandonment. And you either take the bait, or you don’t.

This emotional dance is common and really does run on its own power. And couples will do this dance over and over usually until it gets worse or someone gets fed up and leaves. It doesn’t have to be this way.

How to stop the dance

The core problem here is emotional regulation. This is about both of you, or at least one of you, being responsible with emotions, being adult and sane rather than spraying your feelings around the room like an uzi. Yes, easier said than done. But, I now say to the couple, "You know how to do this; you do this on your jobs all the time—you don’t blow up when someone says something stupid or hurts your feelings at a staff meeting or in a conversation with your supervisor. You can control your emotions. What makes these situations difficult is that you both have history—you know how to push each other’s buttons, you have stored up resentments, you have tons of problems that you have problems that you’ve never solved. I get it. Again, It’s all understandable but…"

You have to break the pattern. How?

Practice taking emotional responsibility

• As soon as one of you can tell that you are getting emotional, you need to move into firefighter mode and get off the topic. Your first line of defense is to get focus on that doing that — getting your rational brain back online. You’re getting upset; what is going on? The challenge here is to sound calm, like Mister Rogers, rather than aggressive; however you think you're sounding, drop it down 10 decibels. If it helps, think of your partner as a tantrumming child having a hard time, because it is about having a hard time. Focus on putting out the fire. This is not about giving in, letting the other person get their way, or winning the argument, though your emotional brain will be leading you in that direction. Let the other person vent. Listen; don’t push back.
• If you can’t do this because you are already emotional, this is about responsibility. Here you say, "I need to take a break, I’m getting upset." Don’t say "I’m not talking about this anymore, you are…" You don’t want to aggressively cut the other person off because they will feel manipulated so you can get the last word. This will only cause them to ramp up.
• Next, set a timer and say, "I will go calm down but will come back in an hour to talk about this." That said, they will probably still ramp up the first 20 times you do this to pull you back in the fight.
• Now you need to do whatever you need to do to not re-engage—lock yourself in the bathroom or car, or drive away.
• Come back when the timer goes off. If you are calm, try the conversation again. If one or both you are still upset, reset the timer. If it takes a while for one or both to get emotionally flat-lined, wait till you are—go sleep on the couch, spend the night at your sister’s. Wait till you are both sane (this may take hours or even days). Then circle back and have an adult conversation not just to make up but actually solve the problem.

Emotion Regulation Essential Reads

Suppression Can Be Good for Your Mental Health

A Macro Guide to Managing Big Emotions

Again, you know how to do this—you do this on your job all the time. The intimacy of the couple's relationship is what adds fuel to the fire. The key here is you focusing on yourself — being responsible with your emotions despite what things the other guy says that triggers you.

This is about breaking patterns. Arguing is a choice. You can choose to act differently.