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Back in the dark ages—before the internet and social media—the process of finding a therapist was a lot like trying to score a drug deal in a public park. You'd sidle up next to a friend at work whom you know had been in therapy before and ask in whispered tones: "Just wondering, what was the name of that therapist you saw?" Or if that wasn't an option, you might nervously ask your family physician or minister, whose confidentiality you trusted, for a referral.
Thankfully, times have changed. It's been estimated that as many as 70 percent of referrals that therapists receive come from folks who have found them through the internet or social media, such as Facebook mothers or church groups. If you're able to get specific names from someone you trust, you have a head start. Online therapist directories, such as the one here at Psychology Today, do a good job of providing profiles of possible candidates and plenty of filters to help you narrow down your search. But it can still be overwhelming.
Here are some suggestions for navigating through the options:
Decide what's your top criteria: What do you need most?
If you are in the midst of a relationship crisis, what you probably want is to find someone who does couple-work who can see you… today. Or if your child has been exhibiting some strange, baffling behaviors of late, it may be someone who has specific expertise in strange, baffling behaviors.
But for others, their priorities may be finding someone who takes their insurance, or whose office is close by, or who has evening appointments. Figure out what's on top of your list, and use that as your starting point.
What do you need next?
Once you're clear about what's number one on your list, decide on what's number two. For you, it may be an office close to your work or availability, but for many, it's a clear preference for either a male or a female therapist. Teens, for example, often have a strong preference here, as do adults who have been in therapy before with a history of good and bad experiences.
But even if you've never been in therapy before and realize that you have a strong preference, pay attention to it; don't dismiss it by saying to yourself that it shouldn't really matter. If it does, it does. It's about feeling comfortable and safe so you can start the process on the best foot possible.
But that said, this may also be a good time to challenge yourself. If, for example, your past therapy experience has only been with female therapists, maybe consider seeing a male, or vice versa, and interview a couple of them. You may find that they offer you a different perspective or challenge your assumptions, which in turn makes the therapy process more dynamic. You can always try it out, and if, like dating, you find after a few sessions that it really doesn't fit, you can switch to someone else.
Sort out style/orientation
Here is where you drill down and start looking at profiles and websites. Start with your ideal vision, your expectations. Even if you have not been in therapy before, you undoubtedly have some image of how you think the therapy process and focus should go, what you are looking for, or absolutely don't want.
Do you want someone who is a good listener, or someone who is more interactive? Are you looking for someone like Dr. Phil, who is blunter, gives clear advice and behavioral suggestions, or someone who is more laid-back, less direct? Do you want to learn concrete coping skills, or do you perhaps see your problems tied to your childhood and want to take time to unravel your past? Are you struggling with trauma and not only want to find someone who deals with these issues, but you've heard that EMDR can be effective and want to explore that as an option?
Therapists usually list their specializations and skillsets. If, as you read their profiles, you're not sure what they are, go online and do some research—find out what EMDR or DBT or hypnosis or cognitive-behavioral therapy entails. Is this what you had in mind? If you're not sure, do you need more information from the therapist? Again, this is about feeling safe and being able to hit the ground running.
Call or email
OK, you've narrowed down your top candidates. Time to whittle them down. While some therapists only do in-office initial screening appointments, many will be happy to answer questions via phone or email to help you understand their approach.
So call or write with specific questions in hand: You say you are behavioral—what does that mean? Do you see clients weekly, more often, less often? What if I want to bring my partner in at some point—is that OK? Find out what you need to know. This is a 5-10-minute conversation; don't expect it to turn into a free therapy session.
By doing this, you will not only hopefully get the information you need, but you'll have an opportunity to get a feel about the personality of the therapist. This can be particularly helpful if you are checking out a therapist based on a friend's or other professional recommendation. What might be a good fit for your friend may not be a good fit for you.
Do a meet-and-greet
You decide to move forward with an in-person session. Go in prepared with an agenda. Let the therapist know what your goals are, what you most want to fix. Ask more about style and orientation.
Check-in emotionally and see if what you were expecting is what you are getting. See if you feel better and more hopeful when you walk out than when you walked in. If you're not sure, are left with mixed feelings, are you willing to give it a second or third shot?
And if you are shopping around, actively exploring several therapy options, be considerate and let the therapist know at the front end, so he/she doesn't feel jerked around.
Fine-tune
If you decide to move forward with a particular therapist, don't relax into passivity, but instead continue to be active and proactive as a consumer. If you feel, for example, that your therapist isn't providing enough concrete information during sessions, say so. If you feel her advice doesn't fit your needs or her comment last week felt more like a criticism than a suggestion, let her know. Then see if she can hear you and adjust.
You ultimately want to find someone who is the right person for you. Like dating, finding a good fit is a two-sided process of getting to know each other. Do your share by speaking up and letting others know what you need.
Don't settle, don't just take what you get.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
