Thriving Through Unwelcome Experiences

How do some people remain unruffled through the discomforts and impediments of daily life? And what about those folks who seem to endure even significant loss and deprivation with equanimity? How do they do it? The short answer: They welcome the unwelcome. Unwelcome experiences are inevitable. Many unwelcome experiences can’t be changed right away or at all. Living with unwelcome experiences prompts emotions such as anger, sadness, and anxiety. We suffer less through unwelcome experiences when we are open to connecting with them without trying to resist or change them right away. Accepting unwelcome experiences enhances well-being and allows us to meet difficult moments with greater ease.

The Trap of Rejecting Reality

Try this: Think of an experience that has caused you distress. Something you found uncomfortable, disappointing, frustrating, or sad. Perhaps it’s your children screaming at one another or waiting in line at the grocery store when all you want to do is get home. Maybe it’s being invalidated by a significant other or a feeling of shame after saying or doing something you later wish you hadn’t. Notice the feelings, thoughts, and urges prompted by thinking of those experiences. For many of us, the thoughts that can hover around unwelcome experiences sound like this: “I wish this wasn't happening.” “I don't want to feel this way.” What do these thoughts have in common? They are rejecting the reality of the situation in favor of a wish for the situation to be different than it is.

Everything Is Caused

Everything is caused. We know this, but we don’t always keep it in mind. Everything is caused means that everything happening at this moment ought to be happening at this moment. This is because of the causes that already occurred. Imagine this, you accidentally knock over a glass of water and it spills on the floor. If we keep in mind that everything is caused, we are aware that the spill happened because you knocked over the glass. You knocked over the glass because you were distracted and didn't see it. Maybe you were distracted because you were thinking about a big project at work. We could go on. Having the thought “this shouldn't have happened” is akin to thinking there is a malfunction in the law of cause and effect.

Similarly, bodies are wired to experience the physical sensations that help form emotions (for example, increased heart rate, and chest tightness). Those sensations are functional. If our thoughts are telling us that the situation is a malfunction (this should not be happening) or that our reaction to the situation is a malfunction (I should not be feeling this) our body’s threat response system activates, readying us to fight, flee, or freeze. This heightened state of arousal not only increases distress, it can also prompt urges to act in ways that may not be effective for the situation. Likewise, ongoing comparisons of the unwanted reality (for example, water on the floor) with our wish (for example, no water on the floor) can prolong feelings of disappointment and sadness. When we acknowledge that unwanted experiences are caused instead of interpreting them as a signal of malfunction, we keep a cooler head and respond more effectively.

I know what you’re thinking. No. Accepting circumstances and our reactions to them does not mean abandoning efforts to improve ourselves and our situations. Going forward, might you consider placing the water glass on a different table or paying closer attention to where your hands are? Yes. Paradoxically, acceptance often leads to change. Think about it this way, the first step toward solving any problem is to fully acknowledge and understand the reasons it is happening. Acceptance is not passive. Acceptance is actively confronting painful and difficult experiences with confidence that we can withstand them. Trusting ourselves to experience the full reality of our unwelcome experiences allows us to meet those moments with greater clarity about how to affect change when change is needed.

The Benefits of Acceptance

Psychological science is unequivocal, trying to shove away unwelcome experiences does little to protect us from the distress they cause. It is well established that rejecting unwelcome experiences tends to increase our distress. Perhaps somewhat counterintuitively, folks who accept unwelcome experiences tend to have less distress. Acceptance describes psychological openness to the reality of circumstances, thoughts, feelings, and urges without trying to change or resist them. Researchers have firmly established acceptance as a skill that is crucial to well-being. For example, one 2018 study found that people who more habitually accepted their thoughts and feelings reported greater psychological well-being, higher life satisfaction, and less depression and anxiety than their peers with similar levels of stress who were less accepting of their thoughts and feelings. Believe it or not, accepting our thoughts and feelings can even improve cognitive performance. That’s right, folks who are more accepting of their feelings can have greater attentional control and make fewer errors during thinking tasks.

How to Cultivate Acceptance

An abundance of resources is available to support your acceptance practice. It is incorporated in many psychological treatment approaches including dialectical behavior therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and mindfulness-based therapies. For a self-guided practice, books like Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a Buddha can help. If you're interested in a few practical shifts you can begin to incorporate right away, try these:

1. Notice thoughts that sound rejecting. Be on the lookout for thoughts such as: “This shouldn’t be happening.” “I can't stand feeling this way.”

2. Practice nonjudgmentally describing your thoughts, feelings, and urges as an alternative to rejecting them. You might say to yourself: “I am noticing a racing heart and muscle tension.”

3. Practice regarding your feelings, thoughts, and urges with curiosity. What are they telling you? It can help to imagine gently turning toward your experience, shifting into an open posture (relaxed shoulders, open palms), or calling upon an accepting phrase: “I am allowing sadness to move through me.” Remind yourself that thoughts, feelings, and urges are caused. They are not dangerous and do not need to be extinguished.

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4. Pause before taking action or being swept up in a story about what “should be” (sometimes even a couple of seconds makes a big difference). You might find that taking a few deep breaths while practicing some of these strategies opens up more spaciousness for allowing unwelcome experiences so that you can respond in ways that feel more confident and centered.