To Touch or Not to Touch?

Source: karentheicehouse/Pixabay

We are told that touch is healthy, touch shows love, and touch heals. But touch can also insult, violate, and hurt. Of course, in the context of healthy intimacy in romantic relationships, being touched is perceived positively in most circumstances.

But is one of these circumstances when one’s partner is describing a personal stressor? On the one hand, touching may make our romantic partner feel cared for and supported, reduce their stress and increase their self-esteem; on the other hand, it may magnify the stressor, threaten our partner’s sense of self-efficacy, and make him or her feel worse.

To find out whether touching is appropriate in these circumstances, we turn to a study published in the September issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.¹ But first, let us learn a little more about why touch is important.

The importance of support in intimate relationships

John Lennon says, “Love is touch, touch is love.” In intimate relationships, touch is one way we show care and concern for another. But why is touch needed to show support? Are words not enough?

For one, touch shows proximity. Touch, being a “visceral experience,” can make “proximity especially salient compared to other indicators of proximity (e.g., visual cues).” Furthermore, touching signals intimacy and suggests that “the touch-provider would be willing to provide tangible assistance, if necessary.”¹

Aside from making proximity salient, touch may also provide reassurance, comfort, and responsive support (i.e., support provided in a sensitive and non-intrusive manner). Therefore, touch can create a “safe haven during threats, which allows individuals to avoid excessive distress and thereby restores or maintains feelings of security.”¹

Furthermore, being touched in a supportive manner communicates that one is loved, cared for, and valued. Such support would be particularly beneficial in stressful situations that threaten one’s sense of competence, self-worth, or self-esteem.

Study of touch among romantic partners discussing stressors

Let us now turn to the investigation by Jakubiak and Feeney, which examined the use of touch during stressful discussions between romantic partners.

The sample consisted of 210 married couples (82% White) who were, on average, 27 years old. They had been together, on average, three years and nine months, and married for five months.

The participating couples were required to come to the laboratory one at a time and complete various questionnaires concerning relationship quality.

In addition, each couple participated in a recorded observation session. During the session, one spouse was randomly chosen to be the “discloser,” and to tell their significant other (the “helper”) about a personal stressor. These stressors could be anything (e.g., personal health struggles, work problems)—as long as they were not related to intimate relationship issues concerning both individuals (e.g., conflicts between them). The two partners were then left alone for eight minutes to talk about the issue while they were recorded by the researchers. Subsequently, the couple switched discloser/helper roles.

During the observation sessions, researchers recorded touch behavior using three touch codes: Playful touch (“touch in the context of joking or playing”), casual touch (“comfortable touch without any obvious intentionality”), and affectionate touch (“intentional touch used to show care”). Each touch was evaluated based on its intensity and frequency.

Results: Touch, stress, and self-esteem

Though a maximum of 420 discussions (two for each of 210 couples) was possible, the authors used only 312 discussions in the statistical analysis because 36 disclosers chose not to disclose their personal stressors and 72 discussions occurred when couples did not occupy the same sofa (so touching was not physically possible).

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The results of the statistical analysis supported the authors’ hypotheses. Compared to those who received less touch while describing their stressful situation, disclosers who received more touch by helpers were more likely to feel they could overcome their stressors, experienced increased self-esteem (controlling for severity of stressor and baseline self-esteem), and experienced decreased stress (controlling for severity of stressor and baseline stress).

In addition, after controlling for background relationship quality and stressor severity, both disclosers and helpers who received more (as opposed to less) touch during the discussions had more positive perceptions of their romantic partner.

So, providing touch had benefits for both parties.

Source: MabelAmber/Pixabay

Concluding thoughts on touch during discussions of stressors

Though it can be inappropriate and unwelcome at times even in intimate relationships and among romantic partners, touch is often a powerful way to express care, concern, love, and support for one’s spouse. The investigation reviewed here suggests that whether affectionate, casual, or playful, touch is frequently perceived positively during a discussion of personal stressors and can be beneficial for both the discloser and the helper.

The current findings build on a growing body of research that indicates that touching one’s romantic partner (especially in a sensitive and responsive manner) during discussions of personal stressors has the potential to reduce stress, enhance self-esteem, and improve coping and self-efficacy.