Projective Identification in Couples

Projective identification is a defense mechanism, meaning it’s a way of protecting the way we see ourselves from contradictory information. To understand projective identification, it helps to understand projection. Projection is another defense mechanism that disowns unacceptable information about the self. It works by imagining the unacceptable thing is coming from somewhere else. For example, someone who is terrified by the sense of being subpar may imagine that those around him are subpar. Someone who can’t accept that he hates himself imagines that others hate him.

Projective identification disowns unacceptable information not by simply imagining it in others—projection—but by actually producing it in others. The person horrified at the idea of being subpar berates and diminishes others in a way that interferes with their performance and makes them subpar. The person who hates himself behaves in a way that makes other people hate him. People who can’t stand the idea that they are not sexually attractive enough may doll themselves up, flirt, and reject advances. They are not imagining sexual rejection in others; they are actually producing it.

A spouse is uniquely available as a receptacle for projective identification. People often induce their partners into enacting the emotion they can’t stand to find in themselves. One example is the neat freak and slob. The neat freak can’t stand to be messy and the slob can’t stand to be constricted; each makes the other into their counterpoint. Likewise, the emotional spouse who feels dead inside but can’t accept it or deal with it is so emotional that the other spouse becomes stony and stiff. The stony spouse is so afraid of emotion that their stiffness makes their partner an emotional maelstrom.

The famously fatal-to-marriage issue of contempt (Gottman, 1995) is often a projective identification of worthlessness. A spouse who can’t handle their fears of being worthless induces the other spouse to behave contemptibly: under that vicious and dismissive gaze, who wouldn’t mess up?

When people who can’t tolerate the idea that they are aggressive (despite being members of the most aggressive species) use projective identification to protect their self-image, they do so by making other people angry. This allows them to admire their own, comparative, placidity.

They might drive slow in the left lane and gaze perplexedly at the rage of other drivers passing them on the right. They might enter conflicts with measured, lilting tones and smile knowingly to themselves when those they are in conflict with lose their tempers. They may speak at such length they are bound to be interrupted, and then congratulate themselves on their own patience in conversational spaces. They might be so passive and skittish at work or home that someone else steps in and bosses them around.

Projective identification is built on communicative skills that have other uses besides protecting the self-image. How other people feel is important. If we want something from someone, we unconsciously (i.e., without thinking about it) first evoke kindness or generosity in them, perhaps by smiling and looking vulnerable. If we enjoy an atmosphere of striving for excellence, we might find ways to make people feel less mortified by mistakes (and no, saying it wasn’t a mistake at all is not a step in that direction). If we want to date someone, we first evoke romantic interest in them, perhaps by looking our best, listening to what they say, and showing off a bit.

In other words, we learn how to make people feel various things simply by being a social animal. Projective identification hijacks this ability and uses it to export identity elements we find intolerable.

Some folks jump on the concept of projective identification and blame the other person for everything they feel (Karson, 2018). Instead of saying, “The Devil made me do it,” they say, “You made me do it.” Or, it’s your fault I got angry because you’re so annoying. Or, it’s your fault I don’t enforce our agreements as to how we will treat each other. It might be true, an example of projective identification, or it might not be true, merely our tendency to blame others when we behave badly.

If you want to use the concept of projective identification productively in a relationship, it can spur you to a reflective space when you feel something unpleasant or unusual. “How did we get to a place where I’m suddenly bossing you around?” can be a useful foray, although many people experience any kind of conflict-approaching as dangerous, so you might have to back up even further. “Can we talk about what happened without it feeling threatening?”

Couple's therapists can help people own their fears instead of getting their partners to act them out. A surprisingly large number of people can’t stand feeling unlovable and incompetent. They think their spouse would despise them if they really knew them, hide themselves from their spouse, and thereby make their spouse feel unlovable and incompetent. The person is relieved not to have someone trying to get close to them. The relationship becomes more and more polite and less and less intimate. A couple’s therapist can help them connect, but not if they are committed to hiding their sense of being unlovable and relationally incompetent.

Projection Essential Reads

How to Become a Mind Reader

Dealing With the Defense Mechanism of Projection

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