Couple's Therapy After Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the main causes of divorce (Grøntvedt et al., 2020). While true, that overstates its role, since infidelity often occurs when the marriage isn’t working; it can be more of a last straw than a cause. Reactions to infidelity range from trauma to ready forgiveness, depending on how it’s perceived and on the strength of marital bonds (Rokach et al., 2023). In many ways, infidelity is like any other deviation from the couple’s stated goals regarding how to treat each other, albeit more painful than, say, leaving stuff in your pockets before putting your pants in the hamper.

Therapists are advised to remain neutral, equally concerned about both parties, and to manage their own emotional reactions to the issue (Rokach et al., 2023). This, too, makes it like any other relational conflict. Here, I am posting what I have learned about treating couples with a history of infidelity.

Marital Goals

Every therapy should be based on a case formulation, which includes identification of problematic patterns, goals for the therapy and for the client(s), and a joint understanding of how therapy is supposed to help. Marital goals often take the form of specifying how the couple is going to treat each other—what the ground rules are. Problematic patterns often lead the couple into unwanted modes of relating, and, in therapy, couples should practice ways of rectifying these derailments.

Either party may declare interest in preserving the marriage for a host of reasons that are bound to backfire. These include, among others, dependency needs, finances, and concern for children. A long period of bitter passive-aggressiveness is likely to haunt couples whose claims of commitment are either overt lies or lies to themselves.

It’s a good idea to explore the possibility that the cheating was not a derailment from the relational goals of the person who cheated but an expression of them. There may be a fundamental conflict around monogamy. The real goal might be to look monogamous and retain the thrill of new liaisons. A corollary issue involves the identity of the paramour. If your spouse has illicit sex with someone you work with, or someone you’re close to, you have to consider that their destruction of your peace of mind was, for them, a goal: a feature and not a bug.

Apology

For couples who really want to stay together and continue building the relationship they both want, an apology is in order. As I blogged here, an effective apology has four parts: appreciation of the harm done, specification of what was done wrong, why it was done, and what’s different now. Couple's therapy can help with all four aspects, first by creating an honest communicative space, then by identifying why it happened, and then by helping the couple keep it from happening again, usually by teaching them to speak up at the first sign of derailment and finding alternate ways to meet the needs met by infidelity.

Identity Goals

Wilmot & Hocker (2007) identified the sorts of goals at stake in any conflict. These include Topic Goals (monopoly on each other’s sex life, for example), Relational Goals (the kind of marriage they’re building and the way they treat each other), Identity Goals (saving face in one way or another), and Process Goals (resolving conflicts through open dialogue, for example).

Humans are powerfully motivated by identity goals. Real apologies make the miscreant lose face for not comporting their behavior to their promises, rather than making the injured party lose face for being treated as unimportant.

Many instances of infidelity stem from a spouse insisting that they are not a captive of the marriage, that they are free to do as they please. If this is important, then of course the person should seek a spouse who also wants consensual nonmonogamy or a polyamorous relationship. But many people don’t realize how important it is to them, or they don’t know how to find such a spouse. Some people want it for themselves but not for their spouse. Even this can find a willing partner, although it narrows the field.

Many a divorce stems from the faithful spouse’s identity goals when they can’t bear to wear the stigma of having been cheated on. If they want to stay in the relationship, they’re going to have to find a way to make peace with what happened. Embarrassing the person who cheated in front of friends and family is probably not a long-term solution (unless it is an unpleasant relationship whose goal is mutual humiliation).

Infidelity Essential Reads

How Cheaters Manage to Cheat Without Feeling Bad

11 Ways People Try to Hide Infidelity

What’s in the Box?

Proposed solutions to conflicts are often best thought of as boxes labeled with the proposed solution. There may be a box that says “Divorce,” or “Extramarital Sex,” or “Revenge.” Inside each box are numerous benefits of the proposed solution (Fisher and Ury, 1981). For example, the Extramarital Sex box might include sexual validation, the thrill of conquest, having a secret life, and sexual exploration. The couple can strategize with the therapist on how to maximize these rewards for the one who wishes to cheat without actually cheating. One example might be to agree that flirting is allowed as long as the person you’re flirting with isn’t sure you’re flirting. It would then be a sort of conquest to have that person make a pass.

Marriage itself is such a box, and a rewarding marriage need not contain all the elements our culture associates with it, such as monogamy, financial interdependence, or cohabitation.

The Revenge box might include humiliating the person who cheated and controlling them, both being derailments of typical marital goals. But there may be control games the couple can play, especially in the bedroom, that would provide some of what’s in the box without the destructive aspects of actually taking revenge.

In sum, infidelity can be treated in couple's therapy much like losing one’s temper and yelling at one’s spouse. But extra attention must be paid to the possibility that the injury is too deep to heal and that the goal of monogamy isn’t shared.