How to Get a Man to Go to Therapy

Alone to be alone.

Source: Geralt/Pixabay

This post is written for anyone who has a man in their lives who they care about and think might benefit from getting help, whether they are your partner, friend, family member, or co-worker.

First, and most importantly, you’ve got to walk the walk, meaning that it is unlikely you convince someone else of the value of therapy if you have not had some kind of positive experience in therapy yourself. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Comedian Dick Gregory said he was confused about the U.S. policy of using the armed forces to enforce democracy around the world, pointing out that in his neighborhood, if you had something valuable you could just leave it on the curb and it would certainly be gone in the morning (Gregory, 1969). If you haven’t experienced some kind of benefit from therapy yourself, many men will hear your suggestion that they go to therapy as critical and trying to control them. You may have to find someone else who loves him and has had a good experience in therapy to make the suggestion.

Second, you have to be willing to let go of any agenda you may have and get to a place where you genuinely want him to go to therapy for his own benefit, in whatever way he defines that. You can’t skip this step, or pretend by not saying anything about your hopes for how he will change in therapy. You have to genuinely let go and detach from any outcome you may wish for.

You also need to listen with an open mind to whatever concerns he may have about therapy. Some of those concerns are legitimate, and not just excuses to not go to therapy.

He may be concerned that he’ll be the only man in the waiting room, or that men, in general, don’t go to therapy. What he may not know is that a lot of successful men go to therapy. They may call it coaching to avoid the stigma, but a lot of men he knows have probably been to therapy—particularly the successful and happily married ones.

You’ll need to really listen to his concerns about therapy. Men often feel threatened by therapy because they anticipate, often correctly, feeling overtly or covertly pressured by the therapist in the same ways they feel pressured by their partners; to be more open, talk about what they’re feeling inside, and be more vulnerable in the moments when they desperately want to withdraw to protect themselves.

After you’ve done all of this, and if he is interested, you can ask him if he would like to know what you’ve found out about some of the benefits that men experience in therapy. Men’s defensive arguments about all the reasons they don’t need therapy can get in the way of their curiosity about how they might benefit.

The immediate benefit that most men have already considered is the hope that their partner, if they have one, may become happier with them and less critical if they go to therapy. They may not know that they are also likely to feel closer to their partner and that their partner may become more interested in them, more emotionally supportive, more affectionate, and more interested in being physically intimate in turn.

Connected to this is that men who have been in therapy often feel closer and more connected to their children, if they have them, and are more comfortable and even enthusiastic about being active fathers.

Most men understand that therapy is supposed to help you feel better, but they may not understand how well it works. The research is quite clear that psychotherapy is a very effective treatment for both anxiety and depression, and that it is dose-dependent, meaning that the longer you stay, the better you are likely to feel (Seligman, 1995).

A surprising benefit that men rarely consider, because they don’t often notice that it’s a problem, is that they are likely to feel much less alone. Men’s power and privilege can come at the high cost of neglecting relationships and connection with others (Joiner, 2011), leaving many men feeling profoundly lonely and isolated. Men are often taught to value being productive above being connected, but research suggests that a focus on the accumulation of wealth and material goods results in less overall happiness in life and less satisfaction in intimate relationships (Mineo, 2017).

You may get his attention by letting him know that a satisfying relationship can extend longevity by up to 22 percent, and that loneliness is a risk factor for early mortality equivalent to smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure (Vadantam, 2018, Holt-Lunstad, et al., 2010, Hawkley, et al., 2010, House, et al., 1988). In other words, he could get the same kinds of health benefits from going to therapy once a week that he spends hours on every week working out and trying to eat right.

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Lastly, and perhaps least expected, is the fact that people in therapy often are more successful in their work, however they define that. This one is hard to explain, but I’ve seen it enough times to know it’s true. It may have to do with people learning how to be more comfortable being themselves in therapy, which often translates to success in the workplace.

I hope that some of these ideas help you make it easier for a man you care about to get some help and not feel he has to go it alone.

This post is excerpted in part from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men’s Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships (Lasting Impact Press, 2021).

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.